


To Be Remembered

by jamesbuchannot



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Force-Sensitive Reader, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Not the other way around, Plot With Smut, Slow Burn, Smut, basically all of that stuff, or maybe a bit, present!kylo is also a jerk but less of one bc you dont remember him, young!kylo is a jerk to you
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-08-30 13:03:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 34,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8534137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamesbuchannot/pseuds/jamesbuchannot
Summary: You're held captive and reconditioned by the First Order to blindly follow their practices and beliefs. However, there is a large part of you that longs for home and the memories that were erased when you were imprisoned by the First Order. You are determined to get back to the Resistance, even if that means cozying up to your captor and your childhood companion, Kylo Ren.





	1. Fancy you being alive.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been reading a lot of fics about the conniving and manipulative ways of Kylo and Hux towards the reader, and thought, hey, what if they were given a taste of their own medicine?

Your saber clashes with the knight's ahead of you - the blue of your weapon mingling with the red of theirs. Your enemy moves with such stealth and agility, yet still has notable strength behind each strike of their blade. You sense your stamina weakening as you find it increasingly more difficult to defend yourself. You remind yourself that you have to be in the offensive if you are to have any chance of defeating your opponent; however, every time you raise your lightsaber to attack, you are met with a burn to your unguarded side.

You're knocked to your feet and your saber deactivates as Kylo Ren digs the heel of his left foot into your wrist. You grit your teeth, willing yourself not to scream out in agony. You are determined not to show any weakness in the presence of the knight. _The force. Use the force!_ you tell yourself. And so you do, your mind reaching out for a limp tree branch with your outstretched arm. It flies towards the two of you and makes an impact with Kylo Ren's head. It does not do as much damage as you had initially hoped - that damned helmet - but it phases your enemy enough that the foot on your wrist is momentarily relinquished. You take advantage of this, and make a run for it in the opposite direction of the knight. You are only able to make it a few feet before your legs are swept out from under you and your body once again collides with the ground, your head bashing into a stone before you black out.

You regain consciousness to a white-tiled room and an incessant buzzing sound emitted from the LED lights above you. You lift your arm to shield your sensitive eyes from the harsh lights overhead only to realise they are restrained to a bench.

 _Wait_ , you slowly begin to register that your entire body is strapped to a bench that is keeping you standing upright. You glance down at your attire - black boots, brown cargo pants and a black jacket with speckles of blood staining the zipper. _Blood?_ You don't recall injuring yourself. Nor are you able to comprehend where exactly you are. In fact, the longer think, the more you begin to realise that you don't know who _you_ are. Panic begins to set in as your eyes frantically dart around the room and your arms struggle against their constraints. You feel yourself begin to fall into hyperventilation but before your body can pass out from the stress, you hear a door open. No, not a door, it sounds more like sliding metal.

 _Are you in a cell?_ You are unable to precisely discern the source of the sound since your body is faced in the opposite direction. Heavy footsteps make their way closer to your helpless body as you squint your eyes at the white tiles - the cleanliness of the walls allowing you to make out the reflection of the figure stalking towards you. They are wearing a robe of some sort and... a mask? You aren’t forced to wonder any longer as the person rounds the bench you are strapped to and stands ahead of you. You exhale a shaky breath as the masked being observes you, your breath fogging up the metal of their disguise with every exhale.

“You're lucky to be alive," the robed figure speaks. You immediately freeze up, not expecting their voice to sound like it did. _Were they a different species or was the mask distorting their voice?_ "I had contemplated killing you back there, but then I figured a force-user with your abilities could be of use to the First Order."

You stare at them as though they had grown a third eye - which could have been completely plausible considering you didn't know who or what awaited you behind the mask. _Kill you? Your abilities? First Order?_ All of these unfamiliar words only further increases your confusion.

The robed assailant, sensing your hesitance, speaks up. "Do not feign ignorance, Resistance _scum_. You may have been trained to withstand enemy interrogations but everyone breaks one way or another."

By now you have reached your limits of this person's - this thing's - degradation and hostility towards you. You have done nothing and they have no right to holding you prisoner when no crimes have been committef. You plan on telling them exactly that. "Listen pal, I don't know what kind of mistaken ident-"

You are cut off my a sudden click followed by a hissing sound as your captor removes their helmet. Your eyes grow comically wide and your words catch in your throat as you take in their - no, his - appearance. He's human; a sentient being like you. He has thick black curls, two eyes, a nose, lips, two ears and beauty spots freckled across his face.

"You're... you're human." You whisper to no one in particular.

His expression momentarily mirrors yours of confusion, though it immediately returns to one of stoicism. "You do not recognise me."

It comes out more as a question than a statement, and you cannot help but notice the difference of his altered voice to his real one. The previously mechanical sound remains deep but now holds a certain richness to it.

"I-I’ve never met you in my life." You admit honestly.

“The resistance trained you well to tell fibs," the man observes, "but not well enough."

At that he reaches a gloved hand towards your head, his fingers clawing as you feel a force push against your skull. You throw your head back against the metal bench, the pain too much for your body to endure.

Suddenly you feel your memories from the past five minutes re-emerge in your mind, as if they are being sifted through. _Was he inside your head?_ However, once he reaches your very first memory - the moment you first awoken in your restraints - everything is black, empty. There is no more to sift through. No memories; nothing.

That's when you feel the man's presence withdraw from your mind.

"What the kriff!" You are enraged and begin to yell at the man who had just invaded you, violated you.

"You may be concussed. Your memory only extends back as far as the past few minutes." He repeats what you had already feared.

"What are you? A medic?" You snarl.

"No, but you will need to see one."

Before you can think of a retort, you feel him in your mind again, albeit this time his presence only causes you mild discomfort.

_Sleep._


	2. This doesn't add up.

The next instance you awaken, you are lying horizontally over a much more comfortable material than the one you were strapped to moments ago - how long it has exactly been, you have no recollection. Were it any other situation, you would have drifted back to sleep, the plush pillows and dimly lit room lulling you back to unconsciousness.

Your gaze drifts down to the rest of your body and you discover that you are only clad in a medical gown, which means someone would have had to have changed you. You rub your thighs together and are thankful to find that you still have your underwear on, although it does minimal to console you. The thought that a stranger had seen you naked still sent a shudder down your spine.

“I made sure a female nurse dressed you.” It was that distorted voice once again.

You look around the room and on cue the masked man emerges from a corner. The ceiling lights illuminate at the sense of his movement, lighting up the the room with every step he took closer to you. This time as you move to shield your eyes from the brightness, your hand is not denied motion.

“Where… where am I?” You question the man who is peering down at you from the foot of the bed.

“You’re in the medical ward. I had you examined and the doctor confirms that you have a serious concussion and trauma to your brain.” He looks as though he has more to say but holds back. You glare at his helmet until he releases a sigh. With reluctance he pronounces your final diagnosis, “you suffer from memory loss.”

Your mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water. Youare unsure of how to respond.

“How was I concussed?”

He shrugs. “I found you unconscious on Jakku. Face first in the sand.”

_Jakku. You remember going there. You can feel the heat of the planet searing your skin; the sand forcing its way into the crevice of your boots; the laughter of your comrades as you stumble down a sand dune. Comrades. They were your friends. Their faces are blurry in your mind but their voices resonate clearly. A deep voice taunts you as your right foot sinks deeper into the sand. You call him your companion an asshole before removing your contaminated boot and hurling it towards his face. Your colleagues clutch their stomachs in laughter as your boot makes contact with your friend’s face. Clawing your way back up the hill, your reach for another one of your friend’s hands as she pulls you up. You sarcastically thank them for their help before you all march on._

You know what you just experienced was a memory. You feel no inclination to tell your captor, however.

You also do not want to argue with him about how you could have gained a serious concussion on a planet barren with sand. Not to mention why your hands and boots were muddy when you first awoke if you were surrounded by desert. No, arguing would surely result in the revocation of the little privileges you were granted. But you still have so many questions whirling around in your mind.

Like who are the First Order? And how could the masked stranger read your mind?

 _Shit._ He was probably in your head right now. You will your suspicious thoughts away and try to focus on fleeting emotions. All the while, the man at the end of the bed has his helmet facing you, observing you, taking in your body language. His gaze travels from your face to your neck, then down from your chest to your stomach. You immediately snap your legs shut.

“Perv!"

Unphased, he simply states, “you are hungry.”

Your stomach grumbles in agreement and you curse at your body's betrayal.

Your captor reaches for a comlink within his coat and demands food to be brought to the medical ward. As he moves to tuck the device back into his pocket, you catch sight of two lightsabers attached to his belt. You immediately avert your gaze back to your hands clasped in your lap when the two of you make eye contact, if it could even be passed as that.

“What is your name?” You summon the courage to ask.

“Kylo,” he dryly replies, “Ren.”

“Kylo… Ren,” The name rolls oddly off your tongue.

-

The cycles following continue similarly to this. Sleep. Eat. Get washed by a female nurse. Repeat. No memories had returned to you in that time and you were quite frankly becoming restless. You knew this day is different, however, when the droid that usually brings you food also has clothes in hand.

You are told to change as a stormtrooper would soon collect you to give you a tour of the ship. Commander Ren’s orders.

As assured, a ‘trooper arrives not long after. Your new attire consists of all black and you begin to wonder if that’s the dress code for the ship. That is, until the stormtrooper makes an appearance in all-white armour, save for the black material peaking out from underneath. Your tour guide holds a gun at their waist, and though it is not directly pointed in your direction, you know it is intended for you if you decide to act up. You push yourself off the bed and walk beside the ‘trooper as they guide you out of the medical ward.

Walking side-by-side in silence, they halt ahead of two doors. One has an ‘F’ plastered on the front and ‘M’ on the other. These are the refreshers, your companion informs you. He too, also has a voice modifier built into his helmet although not as distinct as Kylo’s. That’s how you determine the stormtrooper is male. You two begin walking alongside one another again.

“Do you have a name?” You inquire.

He looks down at you as if contemplating whether or not to tell you. “DP-4112.”

You nod, repeating his name as you had Kylo’s.

“Did you have one of those parents that wanted to give you a unique name but it ended up being something weird?” You make a failed attempt at a joke.

DP-4112 looks at you once again and you’re sure he has an eyebrow quirked in annoyance behind that helmet.

Your newly acquired companion guides you to the a section of the ship you are well familiar with - the prisoner ward - before showing you to the kitchens and mess hall.

“This is the training centre." He tells you, once more halting ahead of a set of doors.

DP-4112 punches a set of numbers into a keypad as the double doors slide open.

The string if events that follow happen so fast your brain is left with no time to process it. As soon as the sliding doors part, a blue laser from a blaster come hurling towards yourself and your companion. On instinct, your right hand comes up in a feeble attempt to protect yourself and your eyes clamp themselves shut. It is only after few seconds pass and when you _don’t_ feel dead that you will your eyelids to open.

Your hand is still outstretched and you peep through the gaps of your fingers to see the blue laser hovering mid-air. You don’t dare to move your hand from its current position but chance a look to your companion, who is as equally as still as you. Your line of sight then travels to the culprit who had fired the weapon.

It was Kylo Ren.

Your body fuels with rage as he makes his way towards yourself and the ‘trooper.

“What in Maker’s name do you think you’re doing?!” You yell at Kylo, throwing your limb to the side as the blaster follows.

It collides with the wall to your right, soot now staining the once grey wall.

“It appears your body remembers what your mind does not.”


	3. Birds don't sing.

DP-4112 leads you to the cafeteria following the incident. As you enter the hall, the sheer amount of stormtroopers that occupy the tables and chairs would have shocked you, were it not for fact that your mind is already reeling with the events prior. 

The buffet line to collect your food is long and met with silence, but you gladly welcome it as you try to process what exactly had happened.  _You had stopped a blaster with your mind._

You and your companion take a seat at a vacant table, DP-4112 finally removing his helmet. Your eyes scan over his features. The first thing you notice is his age - he’s young. His green eyes contrast with his caramel skin and he has slight stubble gracing his chin.

“If I didn’t know any better, I would think you were checking me out.” DP-4112 smirks.

 _Did he just crack a joke?_ You blush at having been caught out.

“Don’t you have friends?” You try to deflect the attention.

“I do,” he defends. “Commander Ren told me to babysit you for the rest of the day, though, and not many people want to hang around… newcomers.” DP-4112 looks as though he had intended to call you something else but decided against it.

“Thank you.”

He shrugs his shoulders. “It’s the least I can do. I mean you saved my life."

Following your first dinner aboard the Finalizer, DP-4112 takes you to the room you would be staying in. It’s small but much preferable over the prison cell and medbay. Your companion bids you goodnight and leaves you to explore your new sleeping quarters.

You pad over to one corner of the room where a closet stands. You run your fingers over the black mahogany before opening the double doors. It’s empty, save for a black t-shirt, a pair of leggings and a few hangers. You make your way to the other end of the room where a single bed is situated, covered with a bedsheet and two pillows, black in colour, of course. Atop the duvet lies a small tub of an unfamiliar ointment labelled ‘Bacta’. You unscrew the lid and scrunch your nose at the unbecoming stench. Reading the smaller print on the label, it tells you to generously smear the medicine to the cut on your forehead. You had forgotten about your injury up until now.

_Where were you expected to go to apply it? There weren’t any mirrors in the room._

Picking up the container, you make your way to the refreshers. The halls are silent and dimly lit as you attempt to recall the mental path you had created to the women's refreshers. You round a corner and are relieved to discover that you have indeed been going in the right direction. You push through the swinging door and make your way over to the sinks. You cringe, taking in your reflection. The cut on your temple has long since dried up but there is blood smudged in unlikely places across your face and neck.

 _Maybe this is why DP-4112’s friends didn’t want to sit around you_.

You glance down the expanse of the restroom and aren’t surprised to find anyone else there. You consider taking a shower to rid yourself of the the filth while you have the refresher to yourself. Grabbing the bacta and a towel from the dispenser - slightly amused to find them white instead of black - you stride towards the very last shower stall. Experimenting with the buttons on the wall, you eventually find the perfect temperature and hum in contentment as you step under the warm spray of water. Your hum soon turns into a soft tune as another memory evades your mind.

_You're a toddler and splashing around in a bathtub with another. The boy sitting opposite you pushes around a rubber duck in the water as you gather bubbles in the palm of your hands. You move forward and place the soapy foam on your friend’s mop of hair. A song plays in the background as the two of you splash around._

_‘Birds don’t sing they just fall from the sky_

_Girls don’t call and they never tell you why_

_That’s just how they say goodbye_

_Goodbye.'_

You remain standing under the shower head, using your hands to rub off the blood and dirt that marks your body. The words to the song come to you naturally as you comtinue singing and thinking about the toddlers in the bath.

When your shower draws to an end, you wrap the towel under your armpits and saunter back to the mirrors to apply the bacta. Looking around you realise you only have the clothes you came in the refresher with and mentally curse yourself for not bringing in a spare change from your bedroom closet.

_It’s night. No one’s going to be around._

You repeat this mantra in your head enough times to convince yourself to walk out of the refresher in nothing but a towel. Gripping onto your ointment and even tighter to your towel, you follow the mental path you had created back to your room. Your luck in regards to not running into any personnel on the ship is short-lived as you turn a corner and collide with a tall figure.

“Sorry,” you mumble, your eyes glued to the ground. You just wanted to get back to the safety of your quarters. You step aside, allowing for the person to bypass you, but instead they mirror your movement and block your path. Your gaze wanders up and you are met with the stoic mask of your captor. “Kylo Ren.”

He nods in acknowledgement, however, still does not move from his impeding position. “You will be accompanying me to meet with Supreme Leader tomorrow. I will be at your quarters at 0700 hours sharp.”

“You’re not the… Supreme Leader of this ship?” You inquire.

The knight commands such authority and holds such a strong presence, you are dumbfounded to discover he doesn’t run the joint.

A humourless laugh escapes his modulator. “No, that flagship is divided between General Hux and myself.”

You feel the beginnings of a headache at all the people you have been introduced to and are still yet to meet. “Very well.”

Kylo allows you to pass this time and you take your leave. Just as you are about to step back into your room, in your peripheral you notice the masked man make his way into his own quarters that happened to be merely a few metres from yours.

You scoff. _H_ _e probably wants to make sure he can keep an easy track on you, his prisoner._

As you re-enter your room, you discern a detail you had previously missed upon your introduction. It’s a window. It's situated to the left of your closet and covered by a black curtain - helping it blend into the wall - which is probably why you missed it the first time around.

You momentarily forget about your need to put on clothes as you draw back the material to gaze at the stars and planets before you. _When was the last time you had been outside?_

It suddenly dawns on you that you are looking out into space.

You are not aboard a ship.

You aren’t on a boat.

You aren't on a vessel that sails the ocean.

You’re on a kriffing spaceship.


	4. Big-shot Supreme Leader.

You do not dream that night; your body is too exhausted from the day’s exertion. You do, however, wake up to the mask of Kylo Ren staring down at you - this you certainly hope is a dream. Rubbing the sleep from your eyes, you re-open them to realise that it certainly is not.

“What are you doing here?" Your tone is one of accusation as you pull the blanket closer to your chest.

“It is 0700 sharp,” he simply states, as if that alone justifies his lack of consideration for personal space. “Get changed and have breakfast. I expect you to be ready by 0730 hours.”

With that, Kylo takes his leave and has you wondering exactly what you are going to change into if you only had two sets of clothes - the dirtied pair or your pajamas. Your confusion is soon distinguished when you notice some folded up material at the foot of your bed; your day’s attire, you assumed.

You aren’t surprised to find the cafeteria filled when you go to have breakfast. You load your tray with a bowl of cereal, a carton of milk and a bottle of juice before sitting at an empty table in the corner of the room. You keep your head down as you eat, no doubt your all-black clothing already attracting enough attention from the all-white stormtroopers in the room.

“Hey, little firecracker!” DP-4112 greets, setting down his own tray across from you. His entourage follows suit and gathers around the table. “What’s on the list of kick-ass things to do today?”

“I’m meant to be meeting this big-shot Supreme Leader today.” There is a notable tension that arises when you finish speaking.

“You’ve been here two cycles and you’re already meeting the boss.” The female ‘trooper sitting beside you chuckles. “I’ve been here since I was a youngin’ and I still have no idea what Commander Ren looks like.”

You're not sure if you should tell her that he looks young. That he has the fluffiest hair you've ever seen or that he has beauty marks framing his fave. You're not sure if he wanted his subordinates to know his deep voice almost matched the sound of his vocoder, so you keep your mouth shut.

“What if they’re training her to be a knight?” DP-4112’s friend nudges his side.

“A knight?” You question, finally looking up from your breakfast.

“Yeah, like the Knights of Ren.”

-

Kylo meets you at your quarters after you finish downing the rest of your food. He immediately begins walking in the opposite direction, expecting you to follow. You jog up to his side.

“Kneel when you are in the presence of Supreme Leader,” Kylo’s mechanical voice tells you. “Do not speak unless you are spoken to.”

You look up at the robed man in disbelief. You are about to tell him that you don’t kneel for anyone and you can certainly speak whenever you please, but you find that you are unable to move your lips.

“Your actions reflect on me. If you cannot keep your mouth shut I will make sure they are sealed myself.”

At that your mouth is permitted motion again. _This guy can read minds and control people? Tge Supreme Leader dude must be the kriffing Maker then._

You are guided to a section of the ship you were not introduced to on your earlier tour with DP-4112. The room is dark with a dimly lit platform acting as the only source of light. The sounds of his boots echo in the vast space as he leads you to the end of the platform. You overlook the edge and an abyss of darkness. If you are to fall, you're not sure Mr. Sixth-sense over here would even be able to hear your body hit the ground.

You reluctantly mirror the knight’s action as he kneels. You're sure he would have forced you to one knee anyway, whether you liked it or not. A few moments pass before you turn your head to the masked man.

“So… is he going to descend from the ceiling or something?”

“No.”

You are only forced to endure the awkward silence and aching knee a moment longer as a hologram appears. The breath is taken out of you as you crane your neck at the… alien that appears ahead of you.

“Supreme Leader,” Kylo stands. “This is the girl.”

“So it is.” the alie- Supreme Leader observes.

“She is sensitive to the force. With the right teacher she will be able to serve the First Order well.” While Kylo is speaking the hologram has his eyes trained on you.

“Where are you from, young one?” Supreme Leader inquires.

Ren must have told him about your memory loss. _Was this a test?_

“I do not remember." You answer truthfully. “Sir.”

The hologram continues staring you down, as if he is able to discern whether or not you are lying in his digitalised form. “Very well. I will see to it your abilities are supplemented and used accordingly to serve the First Order’s cause.” You cringe at his choice of words. He then addresses the knight beside you. “You will report to me on her progress every 30 cycles.”

Dismissed, the hologram evaporates, once again leaving you and Kylo in darkness.

“We are to begin training at 1200 hours. Be at the training centre by then.”

“You mean the one where you attempted to incapacitate me?”

“Precisely.”

You both walk in separate directions once you exit the room - you, going back to your room and the knight, off to run his knightly errands and duties.

As you make your way back to your quarters, you are acutely aware of footsteps trailing behind you; though when you turn around you are greeted with an empty hallway. You pick up your pace and look behind yourself every now and then, which only forces you to collide with a heavy mass ahead of you.

“Look who it is." A 'trooper speaks down to you.

They stalk towards you, cornering you into a wall. As your back makes contact with the cool metal, three more stormtroopers appear and crowd around you.

“Your little act isn’t fooling anybody, Resistance scum." One of them torments.

Your brow knits in in confusion as you are transported to another memory.

_Your hands are coated with blood as you observe your surroundings. A body lays laden in your lap. It's a man; an older man; your father. His body is limp in your arms and you shake his shoulders. Your own body heaves with sobs as you call your father’s name over and over, willing him to wake up. A stormtrooper stands over yourself and your father’s lifeless body. “This is what happens to Resistance scum.” You screech out a bloodcurdling scream and the 'trooper is flung halfway across the room until he collides with a wall._

You will your eyes to open again as you are brought back to the present. Rather than finding the stormtroopers overwhelming your vision, you see them lying on the ground ahead of you. One groans aloud while attempting to sit upright.

“What the hell was that you crazy bitc-”

You make a run for it before he can finish, his yelling dissolving into white noise. You reach your quarters and bury yourself under the covers of your duvet. Your breathing is shallow and comes out in rapid succession as the memory replays in your mind.

You tell yourself to hold your breath, trying to prevent you hyperventilating from escalating. When that doesn’t work, you begin to hum the only tune you know as you are forced to mourn the death of your father for the second time in your life.

-

0100 hours rolls around quicker than you anticipate. You do not recall falling asleep but you wake up to Kylo’s masked figure staring down at you.

_You have got to stop waking up like this._

“You made me wait an hour." He states. “I am not a patient man.”

You don’t answer and instead remain staring into the hollow void of his helmet.

“I expect a sound reason for your insubordination. Would you prefer to return to your cell?” His tone is harsh but you don’t flinch. You are devoid of all emotion at this point, the death of your father still raw in your mind. What must have happened years ago still feels like hours, though, technically it was. “I will not repeat myself, girl.”

You finally look away, opting to concentrate on the wrinkles that textured your blanket.

“We are going to train whether you like it or not. So you can either tell me why you’re having a sook and we can use that to channel your passion or I can drag you out of bed and haul you there myself.”

You nod your head, though you’re not entirely sure why. “I ran into some stormtroopers after the meeting with Supreme Leader." Your voice is shakier than you would have liked it to be. "They called me ‘Resistance scum.’ Like what you called me when I first came to.”

Ren sits on the side of your bed, right beside your outstretched feet.

“I closed my eyes and yelled… and when I opened them again the ‘troopers were all sprawled out on the floor.” You run your fingers through your hair. “It- it was like that time you shot at me in the training room. I can’t explain these unusual things that keep happening to me.”

You purposely omit the memory you had of your father - that is still too personal and you don't completely trust the knight yet. Ren’s helmet hisses as he removes it and places it on the duvet.

“The abilities you’ve exhibited - the incident in the training room and now with the stormtroopers - that’s what I meant when I told Supreme Leader you were force sensitive.”

Your fingers trace his helmet: the round surface, the metal slits and then the muzzle.

“I want to teach you to control your powers, to use them for the greater good.”

“Is that what Supreme Leader meant by serving the First Order’s cause?” you emphasise the word ‘cause’ in air-quotes.

The knight remains silent so you take that as a sign of affirmation. “Wash your face and then we will train.”

Kylo senses your reluctance as your fingers ring through the bed sheets once again. He stands up, re-fastening his helmet.

“Do you want to learn how to defend yourself against those ‘troopers or not?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> drinking game: take a shot every time the reader says kriff


	5. The General's pussy.

This is the fifth time you have been knocked to the ground and your bottom protests in pain. You brush yourself off and reposition your stance - legs apart and hands in fists ahead of you. Kylo had taught it to you moments ago.

“You’re not good with one-on-one combat." Ren muses as he blocks one of your oncoming punches.

“Yeah? What was your first clue?” You pant, once again lunging at the knight.

He kicks your feet from under you and you fall back onto the mat. “ _That_ was my first clue.”

You can practically see the smirk behind his mask. You are exasperated with yourself, both your mind and your body.

“I thought you said my body would remember what my mind doesn’t.”

“I did."Ren states, turning his back to you and walking to the other end of the room. “Maybe you just need a stronger reminder.”

“You aren’t going to shoot at me agai-”

Your complaint is cut short as Kylo turns around and throws a wooden stick in your direction. You catch the weapon and grip it tightly with your right hand, knees slightly bent and your other hand outstretched behind you. Ren holds his own stick and antagonises you with his other hand, curling his fingers in a come hither motion.

_He’s so telling you to bring it on._

You charge at him with your own stick raised up high. You change your offensive position at last minute, however, and slide down between the knight's spread legs. Your wooden weapon grazes his crotch as if to tell him that’s _exactly_ where you would have hit if you were in actual combat. Kylo whips his body around and holds his own stick against the junction of your throat.

“You have cut off my genitals but I have decapitated your head.” Ren allows you room to get back up. “Again.”

You can tell he’s slightly more impressed with your skills handling weaponry than your hand-to-hand combat. You try to suppress your smirk though it gives you the confidence to strike at Kylo again. This time as the two of you battle it out, a memory forces its way into your mind.

_You are in a field of grass and daisies, running through the greenery with a twig in your hand. ’You’ll have to fight me eventually! You can’t keep running forever!’ A young male voice calls out to you. You giggle as you crouch to the ground, attempting to blend in with your surroundings. You hear the boy draw nearer to your hidden location and you decide to pounce on him when he is close enough. The boy yelps as you pin him down with all the strength you can muster. Your twig pokes him in the chest, symbolising your victory. 'Got you, Ben!'_

A sharp stab to your side drags you back to the present. You feel the knight behind you, his forearm wrapped around your neck as his stick prods the right side of your torso.

“You are distracted." He observes, the vocoder too close to your ear for your liking. 

You maneuver out of his grasp and hold your own stick ahead of you in an attempt to distance yourself from the knight. Your breathing is laboured, and that’s not just due to the physical exertion.

“What is it?” He asks, sensing your distress.

Ren lays his stick down on the padded floor before removing his helmet. He places a steady hand on your weapon and pushes it to your side. He steps closer to you and places his gloved hand to the side of your head. Before you realise what the knight is doing, he delves into your mind. Not wanting Kylo to relive your personal childhood memories, you compartmentalise those before throwing every other fleeting memory his way. First, your time spent with the knight in medbay, then the tour with DP-4112, your stressful situation in the refresher and lastly your stormtrooper tormentors, until Kylo finally withdraws from your mind.

Ren looks weary, vulnerable, and you take the opportunity to kick his feet out from under him before pinning him to the padded ground with your wooden stick. You stand triumphantly over the stricken man as his eyes widen in disbelief.

“Never lower your guard." You smile down at the knight.

You swear your eyes deceive you as Ren’s lips quirk from a scowl to one of impressiveness. 

You are dismissed shortly after and are allowed to have a late lunch. You make your way to the cafeteria as Kylo parts from you.

The hall has long since been deserted, considering lunch was hours ago and you are forced to eat cold mashed potatoes and bread. You are pleased to stock up on the carbs, at least. Taking a seat in the middle of the room, you begin to dig in.

It is only when you hear footsteps and feel a presence behind you that you stop chewing. The person doesn’t move from their position so you assume they only have hostile intentions towards you.

“Look, I don’t want any trouble." You tell them, stabbing at your potatoes.

“Now why would I want to get you in trouble, little firecracker?” 

You turn in you chair to see DP-4112 grinning, his helmet by his hip. You return the gesture and motion for him to sit with you while you eat.

“If I didn’t know any better I would think you were stalking me, DP.”

“Don’t flatter yourself,” your companion scoffs. “How was your meeting with big-shot Supreme Leader, anyway?”

You don’t bother swallowing down your mash before speaking. “You guys didn’t tell me he’s a kriffing alien!”

DP shrugs as if the large detail isn’t of any importance.

“Your friend was right by the way, they want to train me to become a knight." You inform the ‘trooper as you munch on a chunk of bread.

His eyes widen almost significantly. “Woah, so I’m going to be friends with a Knight of Ren!”

You roll your eyes at his remark. “So you consider us friends, now?”

“Only if this relationship proves beneficial to me.”

You feign offense, placing a hand over your chest. He chuckles at your response before sticking a finger in your mash and licking it off his finger. 

“That’s gross, DP. Who knows where those gloves have been.” You scrunch your nose at him.

“Indeed. That is extremely unsanitary, DP-4112.” An unfamiliar voice chimes in from behind you.

Your companion stiffens noticeably and immediately rises from his seat. He fastens his helmet back on his head as he addresses the man behind you.

“General Hux.”

“Why are you not at your at your base, ‘trooper?” The redhead questions. 

“I have completed all my duties for the cycle, Sir.”

Evidently that isn’t the correct response as General Hux rounds your table to stand in front of DP. “Has order been restored to the galaxy, stormtrooper?”

DP shakes his head.

“Then you have _not_ completed your duties.”

“Yes Sir." DP takes his leave without bidding you goodbye. 

The General then focuses his attention on you. “You are Ren’s newest apprentice?” 

You nod.

“He is training you to become a Knight of Ren?”

You nod again.

“Use your words, miss, I do not waste my time with mutes.”

“Y-Yes, Sir," you stammer out. “I am told I am training to become a knight.”

“You will need to study up on the history of the First Order then, will you not?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Very well then. Follow me.”

You shadow the General, discarding the contents of your tray into the garbage chute on your way. You can’t help but notice the difference in behaviour of everyone aboard the ship as the General passes by. The usually mechanical ‘troopers manage to stand up even straighter and march in perfect formation. The gazes you would ordinarily attract from passerbyers are almost non-existent as you trail behind the General. You wonder if this is how others behave around Kylo Ren as well.

The General halts at a door located in a wing of the ship you had also not been introduced to; it seems your short tour with DP was unable to completely cover the large expanse of the vessel. The General places his right palm against a scanner that permits entry into the room. He steps in and you are unsure of whether or not he expects you to follow.

“Well,” General Hux turns to face you, an eyebrow raised.

You take that as permission for you to enter. As soon as you step foot into the room, the blaster door closes and you make your way further down the corridor.

 _These are the General’s quarters,_ you realise.

A tabby cat approaches the General and weaves between his legs. The animal stands on its hind feet, its paws against their master’s knee as it mewls for attention. You don’t expect the redhead to heed but he leans down and scratches between the cat’s ears before moving forward. You both stop at a bookshelf to which the General reaches for two thick hardcover novels and hands them to you.

“Return these to me when you are done.”

“Yes, General.”

“You are dismissed.”

You once again walk through the General’s corridors, his pet pawing at the heels of your feet with every step you take.

“Millicent,” Hux warns.

The animal halts its action and sits on its tail as you reach the door. The cat meows up at you as you are about to exit the General’s quarters and you find yourself bending down to scratch underneath its furry chin.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! massive thank you to everyone who has stuck with this fic so far. thank you for your comments, kudos & bookmarks. i see yall <3


	6. Constant state of confusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in honour of the birthday boy

You don’t fully comprehend how sore your body is until you are sprawled across your bed. You decide to start up on the reading before dinner. You first skim the pages of the books the General had given you, images of the Galactic Empire and the Death Star faintly registering in your mind. It is only when you begin reading about the space station that it triggers a memory.

_You are sitting on a wooden stool, looking out a window into the night sky. 'Darling, please get away from there, you don’t have to see this.' But you know you have to see whatever your mother is vehemently trying to shield you from. You have to see the destruction and chaos the First Order creates. Suddenly bright red lasers skim across the sky. You follow their path until it completely disappears or collides with a planet millions of miles away. Bloodcurdling screams echo in the streets around you as civilians mourn the death of innocent strangers - as they wonder whether or not the red beams will hit your planet next. You feel moisture clouding your vision as a tear spills from the corner of your eye. 'I hate him.' You tell your mother as you wrench yourself away from the windowsill, burying your head in her arms. 'He is misguided.' She tries to console you, gently stroking your hair. 'That’s no excuse. He's evil.'_

As you try to piece together the memories of your past, you come to realise that you are being groomed to fight for the wrong side. The First Order are… evil, villainous, despicable. You shove the books off your lap and draw your knees up to your chest as you curl into a ball. 

_What have you gotten yourself into?_

Tears of frustration prick at you eyes. You need to get back home but you can't remember where home is for the life of you. You wonder if your mother is thinking about you. Maybe she thinks you have betrayed her. Or maybe she thinks you’re dead.

You become even more exasperated at the fact that you have no idea exactly how you were captured by the enemy in the first place. Ren’s story about finding you on Jakku doesn’t add up, so how did you manage to fall into the arms of such a cruel person? Your mind reels with ideas of how this whole thing could be a set up. Maybe the First Order had brainwashed you and deliberately taken your memory. This whole situation is probably a ploy to design you into a mindless weapon - to follow orders, to kills, to create death and destruction.

You will yourself to go to sleep and skip dinner because all the speculation makes your head spin. You don’t think you can face DP or anyone else working for the First Order without spewing all over your would-be meal anyway.

You do dream that night; more memories flooding into your subconscious. You dream of your jedi master. You dream of your training with him and his knowledgable wisdom about the force. You dream of your mother and her elegant voice as she hums you to sleep. You dream of your father, healthy and full of life, before he is snatched away from you. But most of all you dream of the young boy with the raven mop of hair. You had once held a certain fondness for him, but that is soon replaced with bitterness and hatred.

You wake up on your own accord, well also partly due to your stomach's demands, to get up and eat breakfast. You are aware you have woken up before the stormtroopers if the empty halls are any indication. You are grateful, nonetheless, because it means you can eat your food without the disturbance of others. Your luck is short lived when you hear the heavy footsteps of a certain darkly-robed man making his way over to you. You hold in your snarl and look of disgust.

_If you’re cordial you’ll have a better chance of escaping this place._

“I see you have learnt your lesson.” Ren stands directly ahead of your table. You cock your head to the side, not entirely sure what ‘lesson’ he is referring to. “You have not slept in this time.”

You swallow your toast. “More training today?”

The knight nods. “The training room in an hour.”

That left you with around forty-five minutes to wander around the rest of the Finalizer. You tell yourself you will familiarise yourself with all of the hallways and corridors in the vessel, in case you would need utilise them one day.

The ‘troopers are up by the time you finish breakfast and you are pleasantly surprised to find that they pay you no mind - probably because they have more pressing duties to fulfil rather than harassing the new girl. During your exploration, you stumble across the hangar where shuttles and smaller ships are strategically housed. You continue voyaging, climbing down a few floors to discover the technician’s base and even further down to find the ship’s sewerage system. On your journey to the highest level you conclude that you are in a restricted area, if the signs reading ‘authorised personnel only’ are anything to go by. Your snooping does not make it far, however, when someone audibly clears their throat behind you. You turn around to find General Hux eyeing you up and down.

“Are you aware that you are in a restricted sector of the Finalizer?” He asks, one eyebrow raised. 

“Yes, sir.” 

“What do you have to say for yourself?”

“I was just familiarising myself with _all_ parts of the ship, Sir.”

The General’s face returns to one of passiveness as his icey blue eyes burn into yours. “I have been notified you are to have a training session with Commander Ren this morning.”

“Yes, Sir. I was just about to make my way over there.”

Hux looks to his datapad, checking the time. “He is not a patient man, miss." 

Your shoulders slump at his words. “Tell me about it.”

Hux escorts you to the training room, no doubt wanting to make sure you don’t go sticking your nose in places you aren’t meant to. The blaster doors to the training centre slide open to reveal a pitch black room.

“She’s all yours, Ren.” Hux announces into the darkness before leaving your side.

You tentatively make your way into what you assume is the middle of the room. Your foot collides with a solid object. Before it can roll away, you pick it up to discover it is the wooden stick you had used in your previous lessons. You swing the weapon around your body, rotating the stick a few times. The only sound that can be heard is the whip of your stick as it slices through the air.

Your wrist soon becomes sore from the repetitive movement and you settle for using your weapon as something to lean on. However, as soon as your guard is slightly lowered, you feel the swing of another stick as it aims to strike you in the head. You duck at the last second, whipping your own weapon around you in an attempt to hit the culprit.

“What the kriff!” You yell into the dark void of the training room.

“Today you are learning to use your other senses. You cannot solely rely on sight alone if you are to become a knight.” It's the modulated voice.

The sound seems to be coming from every direction so you cannot pinpoint the whereabouts of your masked assailant.

Instead of becoming frustrated, you close your eyes and herd Ren's advice and hone in on your other senses.

 _Smell._  You inhale deeply and register the smell of leather, perspiration and the silicone floor beneath you. A wooden stick aims for the bends of your knees as you are pushed to the ground. You clench your jaw, standing up once again.

 _Okay, sound._  You block out everything else and focus on what you can hear in the training room - your laboured breathing and if you listen closely, the steady humming of the Finalizer. A wooden stick jabs your stomach and you double over. Grunting, you force yourself to stand up straight again.

 _Touch._  You trace both of your hands on the wooden stick you are holding, gripping at the base and the head. You hold your weapon out in front of you in a defensive stance. A sudden and loud smack echoes throughout the training centre as Ren’s weapon makes contact with your bottom. You grit your teeth and whip your body around, striking blindly at the asshat.

 _Taste._ That's your final sense, but how could taste possible help you in a situation like this? All you taste is the faint leftovers of your breakfast and the saliva that is gathering in your mouth. You’re beyond frustrated so you spit out into the darkness, only to be horrified when it makes contact with something other than the padding of the ground.

_Shit. Did you just spit on Kylo Ren?_

Before your thoughts can be properly processed, a gloved hand wraps itself around your throat and forces your back into a wall. You can hear the Ren’s vocoder now as it heaves in your face. You are unable to form a coherent sentence, the asphyxiation slowly cutting off the oxygen to your brain. You claw at the knight’s wrist, silently pleading him to let go, but your attempts prove futile. Your body tenses up further when his mask makes contact with the side of your neck, your cold saliva rubbing off from his muzzle onto your skin. You suppress a shiver at the contact, dropping your weapon and balling your fists at your sides. You are still frustrated, but now for a completely different reason.

“Your other sense," is all Ren says before he releases his grasp on your neck.

You fall onto the ground as your lungs draw in as much air as they can. You fumble for your wooden stick before standing up and straightening out your uniform.

 _Your other sense?_  You ponder for a moment before it hits you.  _The force._

You close your eyes once again and try to focus on your surroundings. You recall the voice of your jedi master from your memory, “work with the force”, he had told you, “feels it’s presence, wield it’s power.”

Time seems to slow down as you try to do exactly that. You slowly draw figure eights with your weapon and rotate 360 degrees to catalogue your environment. You begin to see it - the faint silhouettes of objects and the energy they exude. The silhouettes are smudges of white and the energy surrounding them are like a cloud of fog. Some objects seem to have more energy surrounding them than others, like Kylo Ren, for example.

You turn in his direction, the knight's domineering figure surrounded by a large mass of fog. He knows you can see him as he positions his weapon in the offensive.

No sooner does Ren charges at you and you to raise your stick up to block his attack. You're sure the clashing of your sticks echoes loudly throughout the room, but all you can focus on is the impact that is created each time your weapons collide. The white force that is emitted when your sticks make contact is almost blinding. You jump as the knight aims for your feet, your own weapon striking him on his helmet. Ren stumbles back, slightly phased, and you take the opportunity to knock his ankles together as his knees make contact with the padded ground. You hold your stick just below his chin and use it to tilt his helmet up.

“Lights to 70 per cent." Kylo’s modulated voice orders.

“Do you plead mercy?” You smirk, knowing you’re pushing your luck.

You are suddenly pushed onto your back by the force as your hands and feet lock in place. Kylo gets up from his position on the ground and stands above you. He crouches over your abdomen before sitting himself on your hips. There is a sharp intake of breath from your end at the contact. The knight then removes his mask and places it on your chest. 

“You can have the day off to recuperate tomorrow. General Hux has told me you have some books to read up on.” His expression is as passive as ever.

You nod and mumble a “yes, sir”, your eyes never leaving his face. Only after he re-fastens his helmet and exists the training centre are the hold on your wrists and ankles released.

You remain lying on the padded ground, and for the uptenth time you have been aboard the Finalizer, you find yourself confused.


	7. Double penetration.

Waking up early has become a routine behaviour for you. Your body aches in protest as you sit up and you check the bruises scattered across your body. You secretly hope you left Ren with some injuries too, however unlikely.

The refresher is filled with women and you are glad you don’t stand out - everyone is either in a towel or their birthday suit. You are surprised to discover that many of the women have tattoos etched into their skin. It intrigues you, the different designs and intricate details, but you don't risk lingering too long lest you want to be labelled a pervert along with the other things you are known as on the ship. 

You towel dry your hair on the way back to your quarters before disposing it on a cleaning droid. You are making your bed and hanging your spare clothes up when you hear a rapping comes from the other side of your door. Padding over to the source of the sound, you click the button allowing it to slide open and are greeted with a chirpy looking DP and the rest of his crew.

“Hey, little firecracker. We were wondering if you wanted to hang out with us today.”

The proposition takes you by surprise considering your friendship with the 'trooper was only formally declared less than twenty-four hours ago. You’re more at ease seeing DP out of his white armour. You’re not sure you would have agreed to accompany him anywhere if he were wearing his stormtrooper uniform.

Thus you agree to join the group and their activities planned for the day. You only realise exactly _what_ you have gotten yourself into when everyone casually makes their way to the hangar and boards a smaller shuttle.

“Where exactly are we going?” You ask, your apprehension getting the better of you.

“It’s better if you don’t know." DP winks as he straps himself into the pilot seat.

“Can you actually fly this thing?” 

DP’s friend beside you snickers. "Barely."

The thumping in your chest becomes louder and more incessant.  _What if this is your opportunity to escape? What is you are able to alert the Resistance of your whereabouts._

You're so caught up in your own thoughts, your memories and the present becomes a blur. You do not remember when you fall asleep but you do remember dreaming. 

_You are on a ship, similar to the one you are currently travelling in, and looking out at the stars and planets in passing. Your mop-headed companion is doing the same, although you feel him stealing a few glances in your direction every now and then. You catch him on his fifth attempt, turning your head so you both make eye contact. 'What?' You tease. A light blush tints his cheeks as he looks back to the operating console. 'You still haven’t told me where we’re going yet, Ben.' 'That’s the whole concept of a surprise.' You roll your eyes at him, trying to hide your own smile._

DP lightly shakes your shoulders, dragging you back to the present.

“We’re here." He smiles at your disorientated form.

The rest of the crew are already at the bottom of the ramp as you groggily follow suit.

“We’re going to buy you some party clothes, missy.” A girl links arms with you. “We’ll meet you boys at the club later.”

-

Dozens of changing rooms later and you both finally find outfits to your liking. The girl, whose name you learn to be Tilly, derived from TE-5266, takes you to a massage parlour. You are reluctant to strip down because of the bruises littering your body, but it's a free massage so you don’t outwardly object. 

“Rough sessions with the Commander, huh?” Tilly wiggles her eyebrows.

You wring the slightly damp towel in your hand before using it to smack her on the bottom. 

“You shouldn’t speak about your superiors in such a manner." You joke.

Between the shopping trip, the massage, lunch and the walk to the club, you realise Tilly has not _once_ left your side.

When you asked if she could find a dress for youin a larger size, she called for one of the sales clerks. Even in a packed mall when you offered to shotgun a table whilst she ordered food, she called nonsense and told you that you could later find a table together. You weren’t even allowed to occupy a room by yourself in the massage parlour, Tilly insisting you both remain within talking distance of each other.

You begin to wonder if everyone has orders to keep tabs on you at all times.

These thoughts centre your mind as you and your companion stride over the the club you assumed you would be spending the rest of the night at. Your male counterparts await outside, leaning against the crowded building. You catch DP’s eyes as they wander up from your feet to your face. You flash him a shy smile. 

“My lady." DP holds out his hand for you to grab.

You take it as he places a kiss to your knuckles.

“You scrub up okay." You complement.

“Not too bad yourself, firecracker.” He winks before leading you into the club.

The thumping of the music catches you off guard so you squeeze DP’s hand a little tighter.

_You suddenly aren’t in the club anymore but under your bed. Blasters echo around you as you bring your hands to cover your ears. Your tears trickle down your cheeks before they splatter onto the floor beneath you. 'Stay under here.' Your father tells you before covering the side of the bed with the duvet._

“You okay?” DP’s worrisome eyes search yours.

“Yeah,” you release a breath you did not realise you were holding. “I just need a drink.”

Your companion doesn’t seem convinced but decides against pressing further. He leads you to the bar, your hand still intertwined with his - a gesture you are grateful for. You wipe at your eyes and are relieved to discover there are no tears. DP orders drinks as you sit on a stool beside him. 

“Here." He slides you a shot glass.

“You didn’t spike it did you?”

“Only with my charm.”

“You are so corny.” You down the shot anyway, DP following behind.

You both eye the dancefloor, Tilly is grinding on a girl you don’t recognise and the men are chatting up some ladies. You turn to face DP.

“You’ve never asked for my name." You yell over the club music.

He smiles, slightly tilting his head to the side. “Okay, what’s your name?”

You smile bashedly before looking down at your drink. “I don’t know."

Your admission comes as you sip on a cocktail DP had ordered. 

“That’s why I didn’t ask." He mocks.

You run a hand over your face and groan. “Does _everyone_ know about my… predicament?” 

“Just about." DP laughs at your expense. “Don’t stress about it. I think it’s a good thing - clean slate and all.”

“Yeah…” You down the rest of the drink, eagerly wanting to forget about the fact that you suffer from memory loss. _Ironic._

"What does your name mean, anyway? Is DP-4112 meant to stand for anything?”

A sly smirk graces his lips, as though he is pleased you asked. “Double penetration-” 

Before he can finish answering, you slap a hand over his mouth. “You’re absolutely vulgar.”

You can feel the vibrations of his chuckle under your palm. DP sticks the tip of his tongue out to lick your finger. You scrunch your face up in faux disgust before removing your hand.

You aren’t sure how many drinks you have from that moment on or how many bodies you find yourself squished up against on the dance floor, but you do know you have fun.

“You really do live up to the reputation of a firecracker." One of DP’s friends slurs.

You’re not sure if you provide him with a dignified response as you stumble back up the ramp of ship, one arm braced around DP's shoulders. Said friend straps you and Tilly in before he makes his way to the pilot’s seat.

“I don’t think you should be piloting, DP.” You tell him this as though you have more knowledge in driving the shuttle than he does. 

“Don’t worry, I’m setting it on autopilot for the Finalizer.” 

You stick a thumb up in his direction and flash him a childish grin. “Good thinking.”

Before you know it, you are dozing off in Tilly’s lap, her thighs becoming your makeshift pillow. 

“Hey, little firecracker, we’re home.” You want to protest as DP unbuckles your seatbelt and carries you bridal-style down the ramp, but your mind can't seem to form a coherent sentence.

Most of all, though, you want to tell him that this is certainly _not_ your home.

Heavy footsteps suddenly make their way over to the loading dock where you and DP presently occupy. You feel your companion's body seize up.

“Commander.”

“What happened to her?” The vocoder inquires.

“Little firecracker over here had a little too much to drink,” DP smiles down at you. “Sir.”

“Firecracker?” Ren looks to you and then to the man holding you.

“Don’t worry, Commander, I’ll make sure returns to her quarters safely.”

Through your blurred vision, you see Ren’s gloved hands clench and unclench by his sides.

“That won’t be necessary, ‘trooper.” The knight’s voice is cold and stern, well, more than usual.

That’s when you feel his hands reach for your body. You tense up as you are transferred from the familiar arms of DP and into the hard crevice of Ren. He swiftly turns on his heel, no doubt his robes making a statement, before he walks you to the the living quarters of the ship.

The clunking of his heavy boots on the metal floor are all that you can hear. You feel yourself begin to sober up from your unease alone. You soon realise he is mapping the way to his own room and your grip only tightens on the knight’s cowl as you try to force yourself to stand up. This only causes Ren only press you closer to his chest. 

“Sir, my quarters are right down the hall.” You make a feeble attempt to point down the corridor but the blaster doors to his room slide open and shut quicker than you can blink.

Only then are you placed in the middle of his room to stand up by yourself. Your feet wobble but you force yourself to stand straight, lest you want to topple over and flash yourself in front of the Commander. Ren rummages through some drawers before handing you a black t-shirt and sweatpants. You hold the clothing in the palm of your shaky hands, looking up at him in questioning.

“Change.”

You aren’t given the chance to protest as Ren locks himself in the refresher adjoined to his bedroom. You are left standing there for a few seconds, dumbfounded at the series of strange events that had just occurred, but decide to immediately change into the clothes provided before Ren exits the refresher. You are tightening the drawstrings on the pants when the knight re-emerges. He has forgone his helmet and opted to wear a long-sleeved fleece and trousers.

“Sir, can I go back to my quarters now?” You sheepishly ask with dress and heels in hand.

“No.” Your heart sinks to your stomach at his response. The knight grabs a pillow and blanket from his closet before laying them out on a couch. He places his lightsaber that was attached to his belt on the armrest of the sofa before climbing under the covers. Kylo motions his head to the bed, silently commanding you to get in. “You are to sleep here the night. It is safer.”

You reluctantly climb under the silk duvet of the unfamiliar bed. “Safer from what?”

“I read the mind of ‘trooper DP-4112, he wanted to do… uncompromising things to you.” 

You shake your head and yawn. "That’s not true.”

Ren doesn't dignify you with a response but instead reclines into his own sleeping settlement for the night. He orders the lights to zero percent and you lay there for a while, staring at the ceiling before giving into sleep.

-

You wake up to the smell of food - eggs and bacon - and your stomach grumbles.

“You are finally awake." Kylo observes.

You jolt in your position, rubbing the sleep from your eyes so you can gauge him properly. He is sitting at a desk, knife and fork in hand as he chews on his breakfast. _When did you get a desk in your room?_

“You have _got_ to stop showing up in my room like this." Your voice comes out in a croak as you point an accusing finger at the robed man.

“This is not your room." Ren simply states.

You look around to discover that it is indeed not. These quarters are much larger and almost identical in layout to the General’s. There is a kitchen and refresher and a door that leads into another room you are unable to see in. 

 _Shit, are you in Kylo Ren’s bed?_ Panic begins to set in as you try to remember the events of the night prior. You look under the sheets to find that you are thankfully wearing clothes, albeit they are not yours. 

“Nothing happened last night." Ren assures you. “I would never take advantage of anyone in the embarrassingly intoxicated state you were in.”

His words do little to reassure you.  _Did that mean he would have slept with you if you had consented?_

You rid your mind of these pubescent thoughts.  _H_ _e’s the enemy,_ you remind yourself. 

“Isn’t this, uh, highly inappropriate then?” You tentatively ask, opting to run your hands over the silk duvet rather than meet his gaze.

The knight scoffs. “It’s not like we’ve never had sleepove-” 

Ren cuts himself off before he can finish his own sentence. You furrow your brows; you’re even more confused than when you first woke up in the stranger’s bed.

“What?”

Kylo chooses to ignore you completely, turning his attention to his datapad and breakfast. A knock on the door turns both of your heads to the source. With a wave of the knight’s hand, it slides open to reveal General Hux. If the redhead is surprised to see you in Kylo Ren’s bed, his expression does not show it.

“Supreme Leader seeks our audience in an hour." Hux informs the knight, though his steely blue eyes are focused on the occupant in Ren's bed.

“I-I should go." You stammer out.

“Allow me to escort you." The General offers.

You both idly walk out of the room, Ren not bothering to spare either of you a second glance. As soon as the doors slide shut, Hux grips your upper arm before slamming you into a wall on the opposite side of the corridor.

“Do not think I am oblivious as to what you are up to, little bird.” The General seethes. “Wandering in restricted areas of the ship, sleeping with the Commander - do not think your little antics will assist the Resistance in any way, shape or form.”

You are not given the chance to explain yourself as the General moves off of you and stalks in the opposite directions of your quarters, appearing as poised as he always is.

  
Your head spins, and not just from your hangover. Here, the General speaks to you as if you are the enemy and Ren speaks to you as if he had known you in a previous life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will feature smut AYYY


	8. Inappropriate use of the force.

You fall back asleep when you re-enter your quarters, disregarding breakfast entirely. _So that’s why you never see any of the high ranking officers in the cafeteria._ You think to yourself. _They get food brought to their bloody room._

Your headache is only amplified the next you wake, which has you trudging to the medical ward in desperation for some painkillers. The droid nurse hands you a bottle, advising you to take pill after you eat lunch and another following dinner.

You look to the clock on the wall that reads 1203, giving you enough time to wash up in the refresher. You decide to keep the shirt but change the baggy pants for a pair of leggings in your closet, tucking the excess material of the t-shirt into the waistband. You leave your damp hair down allowing it to air dry and you remind yourself to ask Tilly for hair ties the next you see her.

The cafeteria is packed with stormtroopers and you grit your teeth at the memory of your deceased father, willing yourself not to cry. You are about to turn on your heel and leave when a certain 'trooper calls out for you.

“Firecracker!” DP waves to you from a table in the centre of the room.

Luckily everyone is immersed in their own conversations to notice his little outburst. You randomly choose a few pieces of food to place on your tray before making your way over to your companion and his friends. The 'trooper beside DP makes room for you to sit down.

“Who knew little firecracker over here could pull moves last night?” FN-2187 comments.

“That’s almost sounds like a complement, FN." You roll your eyes whilst stabbing a leaf on your plate. “But," You point your fork in FN's direction. "Maybe I should just make up my own name so you guys can stop calling me a firecracker.”

“Alright, shoot.” DP encourages.

You tap your chin with your pointer finger to emphasise your train of thought. 

“How about-” you cut yourself off when a faint voice echoes in your mind.

It’s not yours; it belongs to a male. _Is your inner subconscious a dude?_

‘Come to the training centre,’ it tells you. ‘Immediately.’

You whip your head around, your eyes scanning the cafeteria for anyone deciding to play a practical joke.

‘I’m not a patient man.’

 _Ahhh_ , _so that’s who it is._

You look back at the ‘troopers around you who are eagerly waiting for you to announce your name.

“Hold that thought, guys.” You tell them before standing from the table and taking your leave. 

“What a tease!” DP calls out.

It makes you cringe, Kylo’s warning that the ‘trooper had wanted to do ‘uncompromising’ things to your body, resurfacing in your mind.

-

Meditation. That’s what the knight would be teaching you today, though you found the training session to be less of the teaching part and more of a sitting in silence. You had remembered to take your medication before you met up with Kylo, and you could feel them kicking in now as you struggle to stay awake.

“Clear your mind." The vocoder instructs you for what feels like the hundredth time.

You huff out a sigh in protest before inhaling deeply. You gather all your thoughts before exhaling slowly, releasing your racing thoughts as carbon dioxide into the universe. You repeat this a few times until your heartbeat steadies.

‘Good.’ Kylo tells you, albeit not aloud.

_He’s in your head once again._

_‘How do you do that?’_ You ask in surprise. 

_'You just did.’_

_‘Oh.’_

You allow a triumphant smile to grace your lips, one that doesn’t go unnoticed by the knight. You feel a tether in the invisible force bonding the two of you as Kylo withdraws from your mind.

“Can I do that with non-force users?”

Ren nods his head in affirmation before slipping back into meditation. You do not realise how long you have been meditating until your body gives into the painkillers and you fall asleep.

You dream, or rather, you remember.

_You are tugged into a hotel room by the raven-haired boy that frequented your memories. Ben, your lover. He pushes you against the closed door and clashes his lips against yours. Each of his kisses are charged with ferocity and desperation. Your tongues meet and you moan as that sinful mouth of his descends to your jaw before going to work on your neck. Ben momentarily lifts you up, allowing you to wrap your legs around his torso before he presses you back against the door again. Now that you are slightly taller than him, you tug at his curls so you are able to meet his face._

_‘Did you really fly us halfway across the galaxy just so you could have your way with me?’ You playfully ask._

_‘Make. Sure. There’s. No. Interruptions.’ He punctuates each word with a kiss to your supple skin._

_You roll your hips down into his and you both groan as his hardening cock makes contact with the heat of your pussy. Ben hastily deposits you on the bed and you both go to work at peeling off your clothes. He has completely shed all of his clothes while you are left in your lingerie. Your lover's lips once again meet yours in a searing kiss before he trails his tongue against the column of your throat, the hollow between your collarbones, and then down the valley of your breasts. You arch your chest into Ben's touch, wanting him to mark you - bruise you._

_His large hands roam up and down the side of your breasts but never completely touch your nipple. The bastard wants to hear you beg. A whimper escapes your lips in frustration. You can practically feel the smirk on Ben's lips as he continues kissing around the swell of your breasts._

_‘Ben, please.’ And that’s all he needs before the warm crevice of mouth begins sucking on your hardened nipple._

_His warm hand massages your other breast as his tongue flicks back and forth over your sensitive nub. Ben finally descends lower, leaving you to catch your breath. Your hands massage his scalp as he kisses along your sides, your bellybutton, before reaching the place you want his lips the most._

_‘Did you leave your panties on just so I could tear them off?’ Ben playfully nips at your thigh._  

_You nod, not sure if you can trust your voice. He opens his mouth over your clothed cunt and releases a hot puff of air on your already dripping sex. You writhe underneath him and try to buck your hips into his awaiting mouth but your efforts are fruitless as he pins your hips firmly to the bed._

_‘So impatient.' Ben chastises._

_An exasperated sigh leaves your lips but you aren’t forced to beg as he moves your panties to the side and delves his tongue into your folds. You both moan at the contact, the vibrations from Ben's mouth making you lift your hips lift off the mattress in pleasure._

_‘Ben.' You draw out his name in a whine._

_Your body wants - no, needs - more._ _You lover obliges as he sucks your clit into the warmth of his mouth before easing a single finger into your wet cunt._

_‘Fuck.' He breathes out. ‘You’re always so tight.’_

_Your walls clench around his digit, his words spurring you on. Ben begins moving his index finger in and out of your pussy at a tauntingly slow pace as he continues sucking on your clit._

_‘More.' You pant out._

_Ben obliges and eases a second finger into you as he watches your face contort in pleasure. Your mouth hangs agape and your chest is heaving from the stimulation, but you never tear your eyes away from his own._

_This time his pace is relentless, pounding his fingers into your cunt as his mouth works your clit. All that can be heard is the squelching of your juices against his fingers and the wet sounds of slurping as your lover laps up all of your arousal._

_You know you’re close and Ben can sense it too as you wrap your thighs around his head and cross your ankles at the base of his spine. With a curl of his fingers, Ben rubs against your g-spot and you come completely undone under him. You moan your lover's name as he works you through your orgasm, your walls pulsing and clenching around his fingers._

_Ben finally lifts his head up from between your thighs and flashes you a grin. That smug asshole. He was always so proud of himself whenever he made you cum, knowing he would be the only person to ever make you feel that good._  

 _Ben brings his face up so it is level with yours before capturing your mouth in a kiss. Your lips move to the corners of his mouth before placing a peck there, and then using the tip of your tongue to lap up your own juices that had smeared across his chin._  

_You reach a hand between your connected bodies and begin stroking his neglected cock. Ben ruts into your palm as you languidly smear the precum from the head of his erection down to the base._

_‘Are you always this hard after eating me out?’ You continue your ministrations as he emits a breathy sigh against your neck._

_‘Always.’ He allows you to guide the head of his leaking cock to your dripping cunt._

_‘Do you still feel how wet I am for you, baby?’ Ben rapidly nods his head as you rub his engorged tip against your outer lips._

_Your lover bucks his hips in an attempt to sink his entire length into you but you hold his cock even tighter, causing him to release a guttural moan._

_‘So impatient.' You mimic his earlier teasing._

_‘Fuck, please.’ Ben's strangled moan has you relenting as you allow him to completely sheathe his cock inside you._

_‘Fuck, that feels so good.’ He whimpers against your mouth before rewarding you with a kiss._

_Your mind turns back to jelly as Ben begins moving his hips. His pace is slow at first, ensuring you have time to adjust to his girth, but when your hips begin to meet his halfway, he silently takes that as confirmation to move faster._

_Your sensitive pussy goes into overdrive as you feel every inch of Ben’s cock stroke your inner walls. The sound his balls make as they slap against your ass is almost as sinful as the moans that spill from your lips._

_You pull your lover's_ _face down to connect your lips with his. The gentleness of the kiss is juxtaposed with the desperation of your lower bodies rutting against each other. One of Ben's hands has a vice-like grip on your hip as the other massages your left breast. You move your own hand down to rub against your clit but you are stopped as an unknown force pins both your wrists up above your head._

_You are about to chastise Ben for inappropriately using the force in your throes of pleasure, but the words never leave your mouth as he uses said force to draw tight circles against your clit. That’s the only push you need before you reach your second orgasm._

_Your walls milking your own climax pushes Ben over the edge as well. His thrusts become sloppier as his cum spills deep within you._

_Ben groans your name, and the word is repeated over and over again like a mantra against his lips. Your lover_ _collapses on top of you, his cock still buried in your pussy as you both come down from your high._  

Your eyes snap open and you are brought back to the present. You are still seated across from the knight, both of your legs crossed, but you know the two of you had stopped meditating a while ago. You stare into the hollow of his visor.

“My… my name is-” You are cut off by the modulated voice before you can finish your sentence.

“I know.”

“Y-you saw all of that?” Your voice is barely above a whisper and you are sure your cheeks have turned a deep shade of crimson.

“He’s dead." Kylo ignores your question, which is answer enough. 

“Who-who’s dead?”

“The boy in your memories.”

You rack through your brain for a name before it resurfaces in your mind. “B-Ben?”

The gloved hands of Kylo Ren clench and unclench by his knees. “I killed him.”

You shake your head, tears already welling up in your eyes. His lips, his breath, his voice is still fresh in your mind it feels as though he could in the room with you. You allow a hiccup to slip past your lips as moisture trickles down your cheeks. Your posture slouches as you lean your head in your hands, using the heel of your palms to rub your eyes.

You hear the knight shuffle from his position opposite you, his heavy footsteps making their way towards you. One arm slips under your knees and the other supports your back as he lifts you off the ground. You protest, kicking your feet and shoving your hands against his chest.

  
“Put me down, you monster!” You screech.

Your balled fists aim for his chest, his neck, even his helmet but Ren remains nonplussed. You continue thrashing your feet until a boot comes off and hits a wall of the training centre.

The knight ignores your protests and walks you out of the room, striding towards the living quarters of the ship. You are exhausted as grief overwhelms your being for the second time, and you stop struggling altogether. Your body opts to go limp instead, letting the tears flow freely down your face. You are aware your face is red and your eyes are puffy so you keep them closed, preferring to stare into the darkness of the back of eyelids than the back void of Ren's visor.

Moments pass before the door to you quarters slide open and the knight gently places you on your bed. You recoil from the robed man, shuffling to the other corner of the bed. Your body tremors as another sob racks through you.

Kylo leaves your room and you are left to mourn the loss of another person you have only ever met in your dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise the reader isnt a knob-head. anyone would be able to connect the dots between the guy in her memories and the knight holding her captive, but she cant see faces clearly in her memories, remember? just blur. that being said, this is the first of many chapters with smut hehe
> 
> thank you all again for sticking with this fic. i absolutely love reading your comments and feedback


	9. (Ben)d or break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehe do yall like the chapter title?

It’s almost the end of the cycle the next you wake. You are still enraged and you angrily wipe away your dried tears.

You hurl your pillow across the room, next is your duvet, then the bedsheet. Still unsatisfied, you tear off the clothes on your body, not wanting any part of the First Order to further contaminate you. You roll off the mattress, your feet kicking the bed frame until it screeches across the ground and slams against the wall. You scramble to your feet, grabbing at anything and everything you can smash against the floor. You eye the cupboard before gripping the corners and yanking it until it also makes impact with the ground. With nothing else to grapple onto, you ball your hands into fists and begin punching the ground. You probably looked like a madwoman. 

_They had taken everything from you. Your father. Your lover. Your home. Your memories._

Your knuckles are bleeding by the time a heavy banging echoes from the other side of the door.

“Miss." The voice comes. “Miss, I’m going to need you to open up.”

You sniffle and sit there for a few moments longer, observing the blood transferred from your knuckles to the ground. When the banging on the door does not cease, you reluctantly get up from your crumpled position and open the blaster door. A ‘trooper stands on the other end.

“Are you-” The armoured man stops in his tracks when he notices you are completely nude. He holds his blaster horizontally to cover your chest from his sight but then rotates it vertically so your entire body is obscured from his view. “Kriff, firecracker, where is your uniform?”

The nickname allows you to discern who exactly is behind the helmet. FN walks into your quarters and makes sure to close the door before he picks up the duvet and drapes it over your shoulders. If he notices the mess in your room he doesn’t say anything. Moments pass as you both just stand in the middle of the room, stating at each other.

“You’re all monsters." Your voice is croaky from the lack of use, or the crying. “You kill. You murder. You destroy lives.” 

The voices of Ben, your father and your mother reel over and over in your mind as you sneer at FN.

“That’s not true.” He all but whispers. FN goes to remove his helmet so he is able to truly meet your eyes. “That’s not true.”

You point an accusing finger at him. “Don’t you _dare_ tell me what’s true and what’s not. You’re a liar - you all are. The First Order took my life from me; _you_ took my life away from me.”

The ‘trooper stares at your momentarily as if he had just realised something.

“Your memories have returned.” FN’s eyes suddenly sparkle with hope. “That means you remember your past? The Resistance?”

You are reluctant to tell him anything so you keep your lips pressed in a thin line. 

“I-I’m not with the First Order. I don’t believe in what the they stand for.” The ‘trooper tries to reassure you, extending out a tentative hand.

You flinch away. 

 _Was this some kind of test?_ _Was this some kind of sick joke by Kylo Ren?_

You realise you can confirm these things for yourself as you delve into the stormtrooper's mind. Sifting through his memories, you gather feelings of hurt and disgust; of pain and anger. And all of it is directed towards the First Order.

“You’ve never killed anyone.” Your question comes out as more of a statement.

“No. Never.” FN places his helmet and blaster on the ground. “But you’re with the resistance, right? You can- you can get us out of here? Take us to your base?”

“I can’t.” You admit. “I only have fragments of my memory. I don’t exactly know _what_ the Resistance are, let alone where their base is.”

FN drops his head in defeat. You both stand there in silence for what feels like an eternity before he speaks again.

“Let’s get this place cleaned up.” He suggests.

You mirror his defeat and nod, picking up your clothes and changing under the duvet while FN hauls the closet back up. Silent tears escape your eyes as you unwrap the blanket and tuck it neatly back on the bed. You feel utterly useless. 

“Hey,” FN gently tugs your wrist to stop you pacing around the room. “You’re going to be alright. Everything’s going to be alright.”

You know he doesn’t believe his own words but you nod your head, wanting to provide FN with the strength and courage he is lending you.

“You have to be strong.” He cups your face in his palms. You nod again. “Do you want to go back to the lock-up?” You shake your head. “Then don’t let Commander Ren suspect anything.”

You clench your teeth at the mention of his name. _You want to destroy him. You want to watch him suffer._

“You should wash up and come to dinner. DP won’t admit it but he’s kinda missing you.” The ‘trooper winks at you and for the first time in a while you crack a genuine smile. 

FN makes a move to leave but you call his name. You bite the inside of your cheek, unable to precisely articulate your racing thoughts into words. The 'trooper senses your hesitation and takes a step closer to you, gently taking a hold of your hand.

"Take your time." He coaxes.

Looking down at you feet, you ask, “do you have a spare change of clothes I can borrow?"

FN chuckles and lifts a finger to tilt you chin up. “I’ll drop some off before dinner.”

“Thank you.” You abashedly smile.

“No worries, little firecracker.”

You correct FN, telling him the name Ben had called you in your memory.

He offers you a genuine smile before exiting your quarters. “That’s a nice name.”

Everything is numb and dinner is a blur. DP and his friends are immersed in their own conversations which allows you to fade into the background. You speak only when you are spoken to and even then you respond with one-worded answers.

Cycles go by like this - no word from the knight, not even in your head. You shadow DP or FN most of the time, trying not to get in the way of his duties but desperate for companionship.

It is one evening after dinner when you are returning back to you quarters that you find a certain robed man seated on your bed. You stand directly in the middle of the room, facing the knight.

“That is not your uniform.” The modulated observes.

You are wearing the shirt had leant you a few cycles back.

“No. It's not.”

“Are you already sleeping with the enemy such a short time after the death of your own lover?”

Your body tenses up, your blood borderline simmering.

“Is he a ‘trooper? Can he make you feel as good as your dead boyfriend did?” Ren is taunting you, you know this, though his motives as to why remain unclear to you.

“Tell me, which cock made you scream louder - the one from the light or dark side?”

That’s the final tendril that makes you snap. You lunge at the man, baring your teeth and growling. He lifts a hand so your punch that aims for his head instead makes contact with his forearm. You grab said arm before swinging your leg over in an attempt to knee him in the head. The knight ducks so you end up completely pivoting, your back now to the robed man. He shoves you forward and stands up from his position on the bed. You find that you are unable to move as Ren uses the force to hold you in place.

“He was weak.” The modulated voice circles you.

“You’re a coward!” You spit back.

Your lips are sealed shut shortly after.

“You’re stronger than he was.” He moves closer to you, his mask inches from your face. Your skin is burning and you seethe with anger. You continue struggling out of his grasp. You have superseded anger now, you're just about prepared to rip his body to shreds. “Join me. Join us.”

You stare into his mask, your eyes set with concentration as you try to force your way into his mind.  _Let me go!_ You mentally yell at him, and you can tell you successfully break through when his hold on you weakens.

Your knee immediately makes contact with his groin which only manages to cause him mild discomfort. Ren grabs you by the neck before slamming your body onto the ground. You see white spots and your head spins as his choking almost cuts off all of your circulation. Kylo, noticing you slipping into unconsciousness, moves his hands to grip your wrists and uses his body to pin your own down.

“ _This!_ ” Kylo slams your clenched fists on the ground. “This passion is what I want from you. This is what the First Order needs.”

If looks could kill, the knight atop you would be dead right now.

Your eyes hold nothing short of hatred as you spit out the next few words. “Get. The. _Fuck._ Off. Me.”

To your surprise, Ren complies with your demand. He relinquishes his hold on you and stands up to straighten out his uniform.

“Training centre. 0700 hours tomorrow. You will learn to bend otherwise you will break.” 

-

You reluctantly get up the following morning an hour before you are expected to meet with the knight. You decide to wear FN’s shirt just to spite Ren. Said ‘trooper is at your front door as soon as you step out of your room. FN says your name in greeting and a familiar flutter forms in your stomach at the sound. It’s almost nice to have someone enunciate your name - your _real_ name - after so long.

“I wanted to see how you’re holding up.” FN’s altered voice is strange but the sentiment comforts you nonetheless.

You nod, offering him a gentle smile. The ‘trooper still senses your animosity and you inform him of Kylo’s attempt to re-recruit you. For an instant his eyes widen at the thought that you had agreed until you reassure the him that you had not.

FN accompanies you to the cafeteria where you both settle on toast and fruit for breakfast. You are munching on the buttered bread when the stormtrooper suggests an absurdity that almost has you spitting out your meal.

“Maybe you should join the First Order… like officially.”

Your mouth opens to protest but FN holds out his hands before telling you to hear him out. He uses two fingers to tap the side of his head - permission for you to enter his thoughts. Your eyes narrow and you try to gently pry into your companion’s mind, cautious not to cause him any discomfort.

 _Let me in,_ you lightly coax his subconscious.

A slight incline of your chin lets FN know you are listening.

_‘I don’t want any other stormtroopers to hear us... But accepting the Commander’s offer would mean re-learning the ways of the force and a way to strengthen your abilities. You can get an insight into the First Order - their plans and strategies - anything to aid the Resistance in taking them down.’_

You withdraw from his mind and seriously contemplate his plan. FN’s proposition is smart; he is smart, though you are not willing to further goad his ego.

“Okay.” You leave him with that last bit of confirmation before you march your way to the training centre, with a new purpose in every step you take.

Your blood runs cold as soon as the blaster doors open and you see Ren in the middle of the room. He does not acknowledge your presence but his modulated voice flatly tells you that you will be training in a simulation.

As you cautiously walk towards him, mountainous landscape is built around you and you soon find yourself standing on a rocky surface. Ren is to your left, his coat swaying in the breeze from the high altitude. His hands are clasped in front of him and the knight begins to circle you, eyeing you as if you are his prey. Your body rotates in tandem with his, not daring to let him out of your sight.

What you are not prepared for, however, is the duplicate that appears behind Ren. The robed man - now men - halt their movements and stand to face you. The doppelganger looks identical to the original, down to the mask and the material of the uniform. Two more Kylo Rens appear beside their counterparts and you begin to wonder if this is your worst nightmare or some highly advanced droids. You soon you find yourself surrounded by a dozen of the same knights and you are unsure which is the real Kylo.

Your hands clench into fists ahead of you, your knees bending in a defensive stance. One knight lunges for you and you block his oncoming attack with your dominant arm. Your left leg goes up to attack his - its? - side which has the droid stumbling. You deliver a final blow to the helmet which sends the droid crumbling to the ground.

Another knight sneaks up from behind you and lifts you into the air by your abdomen. You struggle against its suffocating grip, kicking your feet out behind you as your boots dig against their thighs. You elbow the droid, thrashing out of their grasp before you are finally released. You pick up a rock and bash it into the side of its helmet, then kicking the droid in the chest until it makes contact with another.

This continues until you are staring down the only Kylo Ren left - the real Kylo Ren. Blood trickles down your forehead and a cut on your upper lip tinges your skin a deep crimson. A tender touch to your left cheek lets you know a bruise will be there the following morning.

You decide to take the offensive and charge at the knight. Reaching the conclusion that you can’t possibly be more tattered than you presently are, you extend your arms and wrap them around Kylo’s torso before shoving him to the ground. The simulation dissolves and you both land on the padded floor of the training centre with a heavy thump. With the adrenaline coursing through you, your hands make their way to the clicks of his helmet before yanking it off his head. You sit atop him, finally able to stare him in the eyes.

“Fine!” You yell in his face, a mixture of sweat and blood blurring your vision.

Ren’s brows knit in confusion at your outburst.

“I’ll join the First Order.”

Kylo’s expression momentarily flashes with disbelief but you remain staring into his brown orbs, projecting your conviction and resolve. You can feel him prodding your mind, searching for any traces of doubt or hesitance. You throw all your emotions of anger and hatred at him - your memory of Ben and the betrayal you felt as you watched planets being obliterated; the flashback of your bloodied and beaten father; your cut knuckles after you had ruined your room. Kylo finally withdraws from your mind, his eyes still captivated to yours.

“Good.” Is all he says before grabbing your hips and rolling on top of you.


	10. Sticks to sabers.

Training. That’s what Kylo had said you would be doing the following morning. Handing you a new set of clothes, he instructed you to strip out of FN’s shirt and clean yourself in the refresher. The knight had then taken the item of clothing to the incinerator.

Your new boots almost sound as heavy and demanding as Kylo’s. Making your way to the training centre, your posture exudes confidence as you walk down the halls in your thick black leggings and leather jacket. With your hair slicked back into a ponytail and fingers cozied up in your new gloves, you are rewarded with a new sense of respect from others on the ship. 

Your hands currently grip the wooden stick Ren had thrown your way as soon as you had entered the room. The two of you had been playing on both the offensive and defensive for what felt like hours - lunging at each other and retreating to catch your breath. The exercise is becoming repetitive and quite frankly too safe for your liking.

“Are we always going to be practicing with sticks?” You motion your head to the wooden weapons.

Kylo uses the force to knock you off your feet but before you can call foul play he positions his stick at your throat. “Are you sure you’re ready for more?”

You stare into the dark visor of his helmet with intensity behind your eyes. “Yes.”

The knight relinquishes his victory and places his weapon back on the stand. You follow Ren to the hangar of the ship where he converses with a ‘trooper standing guard. Both helmets turn to you before Kylo gestures his head to the ramp of a vessel. You grip the sleeves of your jacket as you take tentative steps aboard the shuttle. This one is significantly larger than the one DP had used to transport yourself and his friends to the club. 

Your hands run over the metal expanse of the ship and you’re not surprised to find not a single speck of dust has transferred onto your fingertips. Your footsteps echo around the ship as you make your way to the cockpit, your palms smoothing over the leather of the pilot’s seat. This feels familiar.

_‘Are you going to teach me how to fly this thing or not?’ You pout at your boyfriend. Batting your eyelashes and putting on your best puppy eyes, Ben purses his lips in contemplation. ‘Maybe... if I get something in return.’ His insinuation is emphasised by the waggle of his eyebrows. You walk over to stand directly in front of Ben before placing either knee beside his legs as your straddle the seat. You make sure your lower bodies aren't touching - not yet, at least. Trailing feather-light kisses along the column of his neck, he hums in contentment. ‘What do I have to do, baby?’ Ben’s hands snake their way around your hips before finally pulling them down rolling them gently against his own. You playfully nip at your lover’s jaw as he continues his ministrations. ‘I think you know.’ You gently pry away from him, cupping your hands around his jaw.‘I’m gonna have to hear you say it.’ You run your hands up and down the expanse of his chest. Ben cocks his head to the side, placing a finger under your chin so you are facing him. ‘Last I checked, you wanted something from me.’_

“You’re not going to try and escape with this ship, are you?” The knight half-jokes, snapping you out of your memory. 

“I think I knew how to fly one of these in my past life.” 

“Command shuttle.” Kylo corrects. 

“Hmm?”

“It is the command shuttle.” 

“Creative name.” You mutter as your hands run across the various buttons on the control panel. 

Kylo takes his seat as the pilot and you shortly follow behind, buckling yourself in beside him. It’s a short ride to the planet the knight intends to train you on. You’re taken aback by its appearance and you’re not completely sure if it could even be considered a planet - split in half but joined together by some sort of mechanical object. 

Upon landing, Ren tells you it is the Starkiller base, as if that clarifies why you are to train in a location covered in snow. You already feel the biting cold gnaw at your bones and your teeth chattering in protest. The knight reaches for a coat draped on the seats along the side of the ship and hands it to you. As you button it up and exit the shuttle, you are grateful for the extra warmth it provides. 

“Welcome, sir.” A female ‘trooper in chrome armour addresses the knight. “Is this your apprentice?”

_Apprentice. That’s new._

Ren nods in affirmation. The stormtrooper provides her commander with status updates about the base and you try to listen attentively without looking too interested. Kylo tells you her name is Captain Phasma as the two of you walk further from the hangar and into the sickly looking cluster of trees outside.

“Are we going to have a snow ball fight?” You question the knight when you realise he had not brought any training equipment along.

Ren moves to unclasp the two lightsabers from his belt. Without warning, he throws one in your direction and you instinctively grab it and push the button that activates the searing blue blade. Your eyes become entranced with the glow.

“Woah.” Your words barely come out as a whisper. 

Just like the vessel, the weapon you hold in your hands feels familiar. Your gut tells you you owned one of these in your past life, even if your memory had not shown you yet. Something about the lightsaber feels instinctual; it empowers you. 

“An apprentice of mine requires their own lightsaber. I conjured this one for you.” 

“This is what we’re going to fight with?” Your voice is laced with disbelief and excitement at finally being able to use something that does damage.

You lunge at the man, wielding your weapon and aiming at the knight’s torso. He blocks your attack and your sabers clash, sparks emanating from the impact. You grit your teeth and force out a growl as your arms push against Ren with all their strength. Kylo relents, forcing you to slice through the chilling air as he swings his saber to singe through your coat.. You stare at him with wide eyes as you look down at the layers of clothing he had burnt off. A slither of skin peeks out from under the ruined material.

“Beautiful and dangerous.” You muse, swing the lightsaber around in your hand. 

You smile at the elegance that is your newly acquired weapon and you go to strike at the knight again. You practice the tactics Ren had taught you during your training sessions with the sticks, but some of the moves you pull are unfamiliar but strangely intuitive to you. 

 _Maybe you had owned one of these. This... couldn't possibly be yours, could it?_  

Your eyes glaze over as a memory evades your mind.

_You are in a cave surrounded by crystals - red, green, magenta and every other colour you can think of. You emerge back into the open with one in hand. Your jedi master waits outside, staring at your enclosed fist and releasing a breath when you reveal the colour of the crystal. Blue. He nods in approval._

You are just as abruptly brought back to the present and shocked to find Ren on his knees before you. You hold your lightsaber dangerously close to the side of his head. Your grip tightens on your weapon as you are suddenly hit with a realisation.

_This is your saber._

You suppress the urge to slap the bastard - with your laser sword - for lying to you.

“I’m impressed.” The vocoder admits. “Your memories should return to you more often.”

You are astounded at your current position over the knight. _Did you just subconsciously force Kylo to his knees?_ You allow a smirk to grace your lips, your newfound confidence pumping you with adrenaline.

“Deception is a dangerous game, Ren.” You circle him, your saber singing the snow and leaving a sooty halo around the knight. “This is my lightsaber, isn’t it? You took it from me… and you’ve kept it from me this whole time.”

You’re not exactly mad but your veins fuel with an emotion you can’t exactly describe.

“You think you know about deception, apprentice?” The modulated voice mocks. “Let’s play a game then.”

You deactivate your weapon at that, your interest spiking at his proposition. You’re drunk off of the power you presently hold over the knight and just about willing to challenge him to anything.

“If you can get back to the ship before I catch you, I’ll let you fly the vessel back. If you do not…” Ren smirks at whatever sick idea he is conjuring in his mind. “You are at my mercy for the rest of the cycle.”

“No.” He seems slightly taken aback by your refusal. “If I win, I get to fly the ship and you will be at _my_ mercy for the rest of the cycle.”

A humourless laugh escapes his mask. “Deal.”

You take calculated steps back and you contemplate removing your boots altogether so you don’t leave heavy footprints behind. You think better of that idea, preferring to possibly lose to the knight than all of your toes getting frostbite.

Once you are behind a few trees you catch sight of Kylo standing and brushing the snow from his clothing. You decide then to turn around and start sprinting. You swing your saber and slash a few trees down to obstruct your pursuer’s path, but you soon decide otherwise, lest you want to leave a trail of breadcrumbs for Ren to follow. You momentarily halt in your tracks to listen out for any signs of the knight. You hear nothing; everything is deathly silent; and it worries you. Gently tiptoeing forward, you hear the voice of your hunter, altered by his vocoder.

“I see you, apprentice. I always see you.”

You duck behind a snow-dusted tree and attempt to steady your breathing. Your weapon is grasped tightly to your chest, ready and poised for attack. The anticipation is killing you, just waiting for the knight to find you and claim victory, but suddenly you are reminded to an ability your jedi master had taught you.

_‘Cloak yourself. Mentally.’ You are sat cross-legged and trying to take in his advice. ‘Clear your conscience of all thoughts.’ You nod. ‘Build a fence around yourself. Erect a concrete wall to shield your physical form from the outside world.’ You do - your mind cementing a 7 foot high barrier around your body. ‘Ensure there are no cracks, no holes, nothing to let the outside world know where you are. Do not let yourself become known to me.’_

You open your eyes to find Kylo standing ahead of you. You expect him to gloat, tell you how easy it was to find you, laugh at your expense through his vocoder, but he is silent. You inspect him further. The knight isn’t looking at you but at the tree your back is leaning against. His eyes are situated on the middle of the trunk before he swiftly turns his head to his left and then right, observing his surroundings.

_Is this really working? Is he actually unable to see you?_

You wave the hilt of your lightsaber in front of you to see if the knight notices. When he doesn't react you slowly make a move to stand up. Kylo turns around and stalks in the opposite direction of where you're standing. Still dumbfounded, you take tentative steps in the direction of the hangar. 

-

“What if I was that good and had run away forever?” You are standing at the ramp of the command shuttle as you taunt the knight.

He had walked back to the base after an hour of searching for you in the woods. Kylo Ren was not happy.

This becomes evident to all the stormtroopers working around Starkiller as they try their damndest to avoid the fuming man. Ren is borderline simmering with anger as he stalks towards you, his saber activated. You lean against the wedge of the ramp, one elbow propped up against the side of the ship as you stare down your master.

Something causes a chill to run down your spine from the next few words Kylo utters, “you will come back. You always come back.”

You regain your confidence, shaking goosebumps his words left on your skin. “I believe a certain knight is at my mercy for the rest of the cycle.” 

You tug at Kylo’s belt and you sense his confusion, his annoyance, his… arousal? Leading him up into the vessel, you shove the Commander into the co-pilot’s seat and appraise him. Your feet begin circling your prey, just as you had in the snow. The knight’s gloved hands grip at the armrest of the leather seat, creases forming at the strain. You stop directly ahead of him, sultrily shuffling forward until you are standing between his spread legs, your knees bumping the edge of the seat. You unlatch the buckles of his headgear before placing it on the console behind you. Ren’s hands lightly caress the outskirts of your thighs but you manipulate the force to pin his wandering limbs back to the armrest.

“Your abilities have strengthened.” He remarks. “You must have an exceptional teacher.”

You roll your eyes at his smug expression. _You’re meant to be the one making him squirm._ You gently rest your knee in the small space between Kylo’s thighs, making sure to brush your leg against his clothed crotch. His face flickers with lust before it returns to its usual stoic expression. You lean in close as your breath fans across the knight’s features.

“I want what you and the other superiors get eat for lunch and dinner.” Your lips are brushing against his as your speak. Ren’s eyes flutter closed and his adam’s apple bobs in his throat. “That’s your mercy.”

Just as abruptly as you had advanced on Kylo do you extract yourself from his lap and buckle yourself into the pilot’s seat. You adjust the controls on the vessel while your companion adjusts his pants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're almost at 100 kudos? thank you all so much for reading and supporting this fic <3


	11. A friendship bracelet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [screams internally] i wrote three different versions of this chapter and contemplated whether or not i should split it into two separate chapters and then did some more editing and this is the final product. please love me

Once you safely land the command shuttle, you depart from the ship and head to your room without awarding Kylo a second glance. Shrugging the dampened coat off your shoulders, you shed your other items of clothing before slipping on a spare shirt and trousers. You hum the tune about birds falling from the sky and girls not calling, as you take a scalding hot shower in the women's refreshers, your mouth salivating at the thought of the meal that awaits you.

You bump into DP on your way back to your quarters, muttering a half sincere apology before realising who you had run into. Small talk is passed back and fourth about your training session on Starkiller base and the duties the stormtrooper was assigned to while you were away. However, you still can't shake the unease you feel whenever you're around DP.

 _He_ _had wanted to do uncompromising things to you._ Ren's words resonate over and over in your mind.  _But what if he had been lying about that too?_

"How would you like the have lunch with me?" You conjure up the courage to ask; you're determined to figure out the truth one way or another.

"You mean like we always do in the cafeteria?"

Shaking your head, you tug on DP's armoured hand. "Somewhere better."

Leading him through the corridors of the Finalizer, you stop at the blaster doors to your quarters.

“When you said you knew a good place to eat, your room would have been last on my list, firecracker.” The stormtrooper chuckles to himself.

You absentmindedly punch in the code to your room as you turn back to face him. "It's a good feed. Promise."

Of course, you can make no such thing. Ren could have just as easily gone back on his word and decided _not_ to send the food to your quarters. The knight had never verbally agreed to your proposition, after all.

Thankfully your suspicions are immediately negated once a droid beeps outside your room. You use the force to open the door and inwardly smile at the progression of your own abilities. A tray is placed on your bed and the smell that wafts throughout the room has both of your heads turning. You lift the cloche from the tray and under it lies a large hunk of juicy steak accompanied with a side of chips and a garden salad.

“What did I say?” You smirk at an awe-struck DP.

You sit on one end of the bed while your companion plops himself down on the other. Crossing your legs and pretending to occupy yourself with the food, you attempt to to pry into the 'trooper's mind. Making sure you inflict any harm, you gently try to push past the barriers in his head. Immediately, you are blocked off by his subconscious and you pass off your noise of frustration as a cough.

"This is delicious!" DP exclaims and you nod your head in earnest.

Your second attempt is a little more forceful but you manage to penetrate his thoughts. Munching on a chip, you shuffle through his memories, making sure not to linger on any particular one, until you stumble on the night of the club.

_DP carries you off the ship to find Ren prowling towards the both of you. The stormtrooper's hands tighten around your body, unsure of what the knight wanted, but holding you close in case you needed protection - though he knew any of his efforts would be in vain. Concern and regret floods DP's emotions the moment he hands you over to his Commander. What would he do with you? Would he hurt you? Take advantage of you? DP paces up and down the small expanse his quarters - his roommates grumbling at the noises he was making - as his mind tortures him with all the terrible predicaments you could be in. It had been an hour since he had last seen you and the guilt is still gnawing at his conscience. If something unspeakable happened to you it would be his fault. He had essentially handed you over to Kylo Ren on a silver platter - drunk and vulnerable. DP marches to your quarters in only his shirt and briefs. His knuckles rap three times on your door. No answer. You’re probably fast asleep, he tries to console himself. The blaster door at the end of the hall opens, catching the man's attention. The knight stares at the ‘trooper off duty from his position in the doorframe. ‘The girl is with me.’ The modulated voice informs him. DP swallows the bile in his throat. ‘Yes, Sir,’ is all he responds with before making his way back to his own quarters. DP barely received a wink of sleep that night._

“I owe you big time, little firecracker.” The ‘trooper tells you, stuffing his face with fries.

You subtly withdraw from his mind and look at him with a new sense of respect. “It seems you are owing me a lot of things these days - first for saving your life and now for the lavish food.”

“Yeah, yeah.” He waves a greasy dismissive hand. "I'm not going to jump in front of a blaster gun for you anytime soon, though. Not everyone is in tune with the force like you, firecracker."

You act hurt, offended, that he wouldn't risk his life to save yours as you had his. DP smiles at you through his overstuffed mouth. The two of you sit in comfortable silence - the only sounds heard are the chewing of food - until you decide to speak up.

“Thank you.” You blurt out the words without thinking through the rest of your sentence.  _Thank you for always looking out for me,_ you want to tell him, but you instead go with, “for keeping me company.”

You invite DP to share your dinner with you as well, considering the two of you could barely finish lunch. The 'trooper gratefully accepts the offer, promising he’d be back around 2030. You decide to do something productive as you await your next sumptuous meal. Looking at the First Order books stacked at the foot of your bed you decide to return them to the General. You wouldn’t have even _considered_  reading them if you were bored out of your brains. You grab your lightsaber, also, deciding it will be a good idea to visit the training centre later in the day.

You buzz Hux's announcer before he lets you in. Millicent comes to the door to investigate as the General sits behind his desk, scrolling through his holopad. 

“I’m here to return the books you leant me, Sir.” You announce this while walking over to his bookshelf. “Are there any others you would like me to read up on?”

“Don’t bother.” General Hux finally looks up from his holo, his icy eyes boring into you. “Your allegiance does not lie with the First Order. Why bother reading about its history?”

“M-my allegiance, Sir?"

"You still think the First Order to be evil - our cause to be unjust."

You're at an absolute loss for words.  _How could be possibly know?_  

"Good and evil are dependent on one's perception, Sir." You want to punch yourself at how cliche you sound.

"And what is your perception of the First Order?" Hux has you cornered; he knows it, you know it. This is a textbook answer, you're sure of it, but the answer just happened to be in one of the textbooks you neglected to read.

"The First Order seek to restore order to the galaxy, Sir." You answer him with conviction and surety. "And my allegiance lies with-"

“The Resistance.” The General completes.

You try to remain cordial, civil, but Hux knows exactly how to push your buttons.

“You misunderstand." Your teeth grind against each other. "Sir."

“Are you calling me a liar?” He remains composed, nonplussed, completely dissimilar to the way you're feeling.

“No, General. I just do not understand why you insist my intentions are foul.”

“Call it instinct.” The clipped tone he uses is juxtaposed with his ever-stoic facial expression.

“If you’re so adamant that my loyalties lie elsewhere, then why not lock me back in a cell?" You're practically seething at the ginger now.

“Oh, my sweet. Where’s the fun in proving Ren wrong that way?” Hux arches his eyebrow at you. He weighs up his options before providing you with a sickly proposition. “If you are so desperate to prove yourself to the First Order, I can arrange an assessment for you."

Your heart drops at the General’s words and you desperately try to mask your apprehension. But the man is a predator - ready to pounce on you at any second, _feeding_ off your fear - and you have no doubt he picks up your distress. Your mind reels with all the possible exercises the General could conjure for you.  _Would you be forced to kill someone? Kill a Resistance member? Would Hux make Ren invade your mind, searching for any traces of treachery?_

You still manage to nod your head, swallowing the excess saliva in your throat. The cat at your foot meows before its master dismisses you. 

You decide training will help to distract yourself from overthinking, and possibly assist you in your assessment the following day. You ask a passing stormtrooper to help you in setting up a simulation. The landscape is built around you and you find yourself immersed in forest-like terrain. Humans and aliens alike surround you, each holding a weapon of their choice. You activate your saber and languidly swing it around in your hand. “So who’s first?”

You are drenched in perspiration and Maker knows what other substances by the time the simulation ends. You had technically been killed twice, which you consider a solid ratio since you were up against twelve opponents.

“Dude, you were amazing!” DP fawns as you exit the centre.

His presence startles you and it takes you a moment to figure out who is behind the stormtrooper helmet.

“Thanks, DP." You playfully nudge the armoured man. "But aren’t you meant to be off somewhere kissing the General's ass?” 

You can tell 'trooper is rolling his eyes under his mask. “I’ve finished all my duties for the day, and besides, it’s dinner!”

“Your duties are never finished until order has been restored to the galaxy.” You lower your voice an octave in an attempt to imitate the ginger.

“Order in the galaxy can wait. You know what can’t? My stomach.” You can practically _see_ the drool gathering at the corner of DP’s mouth as he speaks and you chuckle at his overexaggeration. What you don’t see is a certain knight standing a few feet away, observing your interaction with the stormtrooper. Your companion drags you by your upper arm while you stumble along behind him. “Come on, I’m starving.” 

When yourself and DP enter your quarters, a tray of food is already seated on your duvet. You go to remove the cloche but the your dinner date tells you to wait.

“I have something for you,” he says, reaching into a compartment in his armour.

“Can it wait ‘till after dinner, DP? Our food’s getting cold.” It might have been the aroma from the food that suddenly made you the gut-hungry one.

Your companion shoves his enclosed fist in your direction before slowly prying his fingers away from the object in his hand. “Surprise!”

You stare at the circular item in his hand. It has a small gold ring and black woven string attaching it altogether. “It’s a... bracelet.”

“Don’t sound too enthused.” DP rolls his eyes at your underwhelmed expression. “It’s a friendship bracelet.”

“I didn’t think the First Order concerned themselves with such trivial things.” You tease, observing the dainty trinket. “How did you get it anyway?”

“A mission took us to another planet that happened to have a marketplace.” DP shrugs his shoulders. “And I thought I would get you something while I was there.”

“Don’t get all sentimental on me now, DP.” You scrunch your nose up in faux disgust.

“That’s only because I’m deprived of food.” He fastens the bracelet on your wrist before kissing the back of your hand.

_Ben does the same. He looks up from between those thick lashes of his before standing back up straight. ‘My lady.’ He leads you to a blanket he had laid out for your picnic. You reach a hand into the basket in search of food but he stops you. ‘Before we eat… I want to give you something.’  Ben reaches for an item in his pocket. A ring. Your eyes grow comically wide as you take in the piece of jewellery, and you slightly shuffle back from your boyfriend. ‘Oh nonono, it’s not what it looks like.’ Ben explains. ‘I’m not proposing.’ You exhale a nervous chuckle and Ben scratches the back of his head. ‘It’s a promise ring.’ He holds the ring out in front of you and you extend out your own hand towards him. He slips it onto your index finger before planting a kiss there. ‘A promise that I will be by your side, forever.’_

“It’s beautiful.” You genuinely smile at DP. “Thank you.”

-

You find yourself fiddling with the bracelet around your wrist after DP leaves. The small trinket suddenly means the world to you - a symbol that someone, at least, has good intentions towards you. A pang of guilt settles in your chest as you think about the way you had perceived DP after being fed falsities and lies. The question of _why_ fixates itself in the far corners of your mind, but the rest of your brain is too occupied with the rage you hold towards Kylo Ren.

He hadn't told you one ounce of truth since you had woken up on the Finzlier. The audacity the knight has to give you back your _own_ lightsaber after keeping it from you, and then make you believe he was doing you a favour. He had killed your lover, for Maker’s sake, and he still expects _you_ to be his eager and willing apprentice.

Your hands shake at your sides and your skin feels like it has been set alight. All the pent up anger and frustration you had bottled up in the last month or so - you had completely lost all track of time - is screaming for an outlet of release. You would be kidding yourself if you believed the vigorous training and exercise would be able to distract you from your suppressed emotions. But now as you are left alone in your room with your own destructive thoughts, your anger and frustration comes simmering back to the surface.

You untie the bracelet from your wrist and place it in a draw of the bedside table. You storm out of your room with one sole mission on your mind. Stalking the halls, you search for the whirlwind of robes that is Kylo Ren. The stormtroopers, noticing the intensity behind your eyes and the frigidness of your body, make way for you. 

 _'The apprentice and master probably share the same temper.’_ You latch onto one of their thoughts as a they march by. You activate your lightsaber as a threat and glare down the stormtrooper as they nervously shuffle by.

The knight senses you long before you catch sight of him. You disband your saber and replace it back by your hip.

Standing directly in front of the Commander, you completely block off his path. “You lied.” 

“Did we not already establish that?”

“Not only did you lie about my lightsaber but about DP’s intentions towards me as well!”

Ren’s helmet inclines towards the ceiling as if trying to recall his own words. “I did.”

“Why?” 

“I wanted to see how long it would take for you to pick his brain.” He states matter-of-factly. Your brows furrow in response. “You and I are alike, apprentice. Whether you like it or not.” Kylo takes a step forward but you don't flinch back, and now the two of you stand toe-to-toe, chests practically touching. “You will betray your friends.” His helmet dips down to your ear. “You are willing to do uncover the truth.” 

“I wouldn’t have needed to go through DP’s mind if you hadn't lied to me in the first place!” Your fists are clenching and unclenching by your sides as you glare up at him. “And for future reference, we are _nothing_ alike.”

A humourless chuckle reverberates through his helmet.

“You are so convinced that we different people.” Ren leans the muzzle of his helmet against your neck, and from repulse alone you stumble back.

Your palms brace themselves on a wall behind you, but the surface slightly wobbles. You discover much too late that what you had decided to lean against is not a wall but in fact a swinging door. Your feet trip over themselves and you land ass first on the tiled floor. Looking around, you see sinks and urinals and you shortly discover you had fallen into the men's refreshers. Ren closes the door and clicks the locks shut behind him. The room is empty and dimly lit, albeit not as dark as the visor of the knight's helmet.

“How about…” He stalks closer to you and you're shuffling back on your hands and bum until your back hits a toilet stall. “We play a little game, apprentice?"

You sneer at him. "How about you stop treating my life like one big game?"

“Oh, apprentice, this game may prove beneficial to you, however.” The knight crouches down until you are eye-level with him. "I make a statement, and you tell me whether I am lying to you or telling the truth." He doesn't give you the chance to respond as he initiates the 'game'. “DP-4112 did not want to harm you.”

You look at Kylo with incredulity. _Is he purposely patronising you?_ _Did you not just confront him about this?_

You decide to play along, hoping it will lead to more useful revelations about your previous life. "Truth."

“You forged your own lightsaber.” The knight taps his finger against the hilt of your weapon attached to your belt.

“Truth." 

“I found you on Jakku.” This one stumps you. From the very moment you woke up, your gut told you Kylo’s story made no sense, but you still couldn’t pinpoint exactly _why_ he would have lied to you. As if your suspicions need further confirmation, Ren utters the statement again.“I found you on Jakku.”

This time he reaches a gloved hand towards your face, running his fingers along your jaw and then down the column of your neck. You don't grant him the satisfaction of flinching away - of letting him know that he disgusted you.

“Lie.” 

His helmet cocks to the side, considering you for a moment. “I killed Ben Solo.” 

 _Truth._ The word is on the tip of the tongue but somehow you can’t bring yourself to say it. A part of you still doesn’t believe him -  or maybe you just don’t want to. Kylo trails his palm down your side, along your ribs and stops at your hip. His actions distract you for a split second before you shake your head clear of all your thoughts. 

“Truth.” Something about admitting it aloud suddenly made it all feel real.

 _Ben Solo is dead,_ you remind yourself. The knight leans over and hooks a finger in your belt loop before dragging you forward. Your knees bump against each other.

"You have feelings for DP-4112."

"What?" You fail to see how this has anything to do with helping you discover things about your past. Ren doesn't repeat his statement because he knows perfectly well you heard him. He was also quite possibly too embarrassed to say it aloud again. It suddenly clicks with you. _Is Kylo jealous? Is that why he is so obsessed with rubbing the death of your lover in your face? Is that why he wants to sabotage DP?_  You smirk at him, not sure if he sensed your epiphany. "What is it to you?"

You're up on your knees now and the knuckles of Ren's clasped hands brush against your stomach. Your breath fogs up the metal of his helmet with every exhale.

"The thing is..." Your palms are sweaty as they rest themselves on Kylo's knees. "I don't know if you have a crush on DP... or me."

The knight's crouch falters at your words and he abruptly stands back up. His gloved hand threads through your hair and his fist closes tightly, sending tendrils of pain through your body. Your gaze never wavers on his expressionless mask, your eyelashes batting furiously in an attempt to hold back the tears. Though, physically it may appear Ren has the upper hand, you know you have him in a psychological chokehold. This had quickly morphed into a game of chicken. The knight allows you to run your hands along his clothed thigh. You stop at his hip and use the leverage to relieve some of the weight off your knees.

"You think you can read my emotions, apprentice?" There is a threat behind Kylo's words but it comes out weaker than he had hoped.

You offer him an innocent smile. "I don't need to read your mind when I can clearly see the twitch of your cock in your pants."

Your forwardness surprises both yourself and the knight and his grip on your hair tightens.

"Such a filthy mouth on you, apprentice." You're too shocked to react when Kylo shoves his clothed crotch against your face. A distorted groan echoes throughout the refresher as he heat of your mouth makes contact with his half-hard erection. "Maybe it should be put to better use."

The knight palms himself through his pants before releasing his cock from its confines. His cock stands to attention, thick and long, it’s head already engorged and leaking from the tip. You swallow down the whine that threatens to leave your lips.

“You want this cock.” It's not a questions but a statement. 

 _Are you really still playing this game?_ Ren squeezes the base and holds his shaft tantalisingly close to your face.

"You want my cock. Truth or lie, apprentice." He clarifies.

"Lie." 

You watch as Kylo leisurely strokes himself, his gaze boring into you while you can't take your eyes off his cock. Your tongue subconsciously licks your bottom lip and the knight chuckles at your silent show of desperation. 

"Stubborn, girl." Ren chastises. "Last chance. Truth or lie."

Your mind screams lie. _You don't want his cock - his deliciously thick and hard cock._ But the damp spot between your thighs is telling you otherwise.

"Truth." The word is barely above a whisper and you regret it as soon as it leaves your mouth.

You can feel Kylo's psychological victory washing off him in waves and splashing onto you.

He decides he hasn't finished taunting you just yet. “I want to hear you beg for it, apprentice.” 

The knight uses his thumb to smear the tip of his cock with his own precum before stroking it down his shaft. He tightens his fist at the base before dragging his hand back up. You watch as his foreskin swallows the head of his erection over and over again. The sight is pure torture, but not enough to make you beg. 

You open your mouth and slightly lean forward before quickly clamping down your teeth on nothing but air, threatening to bite the head of Ren's cock. The clatter your teeth make as they gnash against each other echoes throughout the refresher, and you scrunch your nose in cheekiness as you look back up at the Commander.

“Disobedient, little girl.” Ren scolds you.

“Tru-”

Before you can finish uttering your retort, Kylo stuffs his cock down your throat. He groans from behind his mask at the feeling of your tightening throat against his shaft. You're taken by off guard and try your best to quell the gag that threatens to spill from your lips. The salty taste of his precum stains your tongue and you experimentally lick Kylo's leaking slit. You are rewarded with strangled moan from the man above you so you continue your ministrations, trailing your tongue along the sensitive underside of his head. Both of the knight's hands thread in your hair to hold you in place as he thrusts his pelvis forward. Your eyes water and your jaw goes slack as Ren forces his cock down your constricting throat. The sensation only fuels the embers within him to go deeper and you can't help but rub your thighs together to create some friction against your neglected clit.

“You like choking on my cock, apprentice?” The knight withdraws from your mouth, allowing you a moment to catch your breath before plunging back in. “DP-4112 wasn’t enough for your insatiable little cunt?” 

You aren’t given the chance to negate Kylo’s accusation as he rhythmically fucks your mouth. It’s purely carnal - the way he snaps his hips back and forth - with no ounce of control being exhibited. Ren tugs harder on your hair, forcing you to look up into the pitch black visor of his helmet. You bring a hand down between your legs to rub at your aching clit which has you moaning around his cock.

“Fuck.” The knight forces you to stand back up. “I have to have you now.”

His own hand replaces yours to lightly slap your clothed pussy. Kylo tears at your pants and underwear and forces them down your legs in one go. He shoves you back against the shower stall and you whimper and try to angle your hips closer to the knight. Your hands are braced against the wall, held there by the force, as Kylo forbids you from touching yourself. Ren squeezes the base of his cock, running his slick tip against your outer pussy lips. He slowly sinks the head, savouring the tightness of your walls, and the two of you release a moan at the intrusion.

“Your cunt hasn’t been fucked in a while, has it?” Your Commander taunts you. “That’s why you’re so tight. And wet.”

Ren punctuates each word with a thrust of his hips. You stammer out a curse at his teasing as he alternates between deep and slow thrusts that make you feel every inch of his cock, and a fast and brutal pace that will surely leave bruises on your hips. A single bead of sweats trails down the side of your temple as Kylo brings his left hand up between your bodies to grope your covered breast. His mask is faced down to where your two bodies connect, watching the length of his cock disappear between your pussy lips and coming back out slick with your juices.

Ren opts to then nuzzle his helmet into the crook of your neck, the cool metal a welcomed contrast to your own overworked body. “Do you want to cum, apprentice? Want to milk my cock dry with that pretty little cunt of yours?”

You feel a familiar tingle in your lower abdomen at his words and you nod your head, sending him a desperate and pleading look.

“I need to hear you beg.”

Your mind is unable to form a coherent sentence, so you’re sure the next words that leave your mouth do not belong to you. “Commander, please. I want to cum. I _need_ to-" 

You are cut off by a sudden pressure against your clit as Kylo manipulates the force to rub fast circles against your sensitive nub. Your wrists are no longer pinned against the wall and you grab onto the knight's forearms as you reach your climax. The deprived sensation makes you see stars and your toes curl in ecstasy. Your hips continue to desperately meet each of Ren’s thrusts.

“Don’t stop,” you plead the knight.

You’re not sure when you had an orgasm last, but you want to make sure your pleasure here lasts as long as possible. Kylo’s concentration falters as the force on your clit ceases. He is panting through his vocoder as his hips rock up hard against yours before they still completely against you. You feel hot spurts of his cum ejaculate into you, the tight clenching of your walls too irresistible for him to hold off on his own orgasm.

You feel Ren’s guard lower as he reaches his climax, and in your state of euphoria, decide to try something risky. You gently probe into his mind, shocked that his thoughts are unguarded, and sift through his passing memories and fleeting emotions. You want to - need to - find a weakness to exploit if you are to escape this place. You immediately withdraw from the knight's mind as he comes to, hoping he doesn't suspected anything.

Ren’s cock slips out from between your legs and drops of his semen leave a trail along your inner thighs. You strip yourself of your sweat-stained clothes and saunter into the shower stall you had just been freshly fucked against. Pressing a few buttons, a soft spray of water begins streaming down the showerhead, and you hum as it splatters against your skin. You rub the shampoo between your hands before lathering it in your hair. All the while, you are aware of Kylo’s lingering gaze on your body. You turn to him, smoothing the excess shampoo along your arms and the valley between your breasts.

“At least take off your helmet.” You suggest. “That can’t be waterproof.”

The knight silently obliges and exits the stall, shortly returning with his doe eyes and fluffy hair. His leather gloves are also nowhere to be seen and the sleeves of his coat have been rolled up to his elbows. 

“Turn around.” Kylo’s silky voice commands.

You follow his orders as he squeezes some of the shampoo onto his hands before running them down the expanse of your back. He trails a finger along the curve of your spine before tracing the dimples on your back with his thumb and continuing his journey down the back of your legs. The warm water does nothing to suppress the slight shiver that runs down your spine. _Something about this is so intimate. Too intimate._  

You redress not long after, the knight waiting for you at the sinks. His helmet is back on his head and his gloves on his hands. Ren unlatches the lock to the refresher and allows you to exit first. You take a few steps forward but immediately halt at the sight of General Hux. He idly walks by, only looking up from his holopad to glance at yourself and Kylo before continuing on his way.

"He probably heard you screaming my name," the modulated voice whispers in your ear. "The whole ship probably heard you begging me to let you cum."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! thank you to user Ani for your feedback about the reader being uncharacteristically fine w ren manipulating and lying to her (lbr the reader would not take any of his shit). so i tried to weave more of that into this chapter as well as keeping her cordial since she is trying to find a means of escape. that being said, hope you all enjoyed this instalment. as always, thank you for reading, bookmarking, leaving kudos & comments <3


	12. Concentration.

During your time on the Finalizer, you have come to be known by many names.  _ Resistance Scum  _ is one you frequented since your arrival on the ship, but the name now only resided in the minds of stormtroopers and officers as you made your way up the social ranks - the men and women coming to fear and almost respect your abilities with the force. General Hux uses the derogatory term sparingly when speaking to you, seemingly uninfluenced by your power.  _ The Jedi Killer’s Apprentice  _ is another name that stormtroopers used when gossiping about you. Albeit, not all the gossip is bad, the name only serves as a reminder of the kind of man you are training under. Speculation about whether or not you have been having sexual relations with the knight also circulates around the vessel. That’s how the name of  _ Bed Warmer  _ comes about. The first you hear of it is uttered from the mouth of DP. He tells you a petty officer had referred to you as such when they saw you exiting Ren’s quarters one, two, three nights in a row. You don’t deny the rumour, because you have in fact been trying to get closer to the knight, convincing him to take you training on other planets and allowing you to accompany him on certain missions. But the only person who refers to you by your actual name is FN… and seldom Kylo in his throes of passion.      

Said man suggests you attend your appraisal with Supreme Leader one morning, which is the only reason as to why your uniform is ironed and your boots are polished. General Hux is also attending, the knight informs you, and you are somewhat pleased at that fact. _Maybe he will see the progression you're making and settle the doubts he has about your loyalty to the First Order._

An oval-shaped table is situated in the middle of the room and the three of you take a seat at opposite ends - you and Hux facing one another across the centre of the table and Kylo situated at the head. Opposite him, on the other end of the table, lies a projector. The air is thick with tension as the ginger stares you down with a slight snarl on his lips. You are forced to bite back a remark when a holographic feed of Snoke appears atop the projector.

“Supreme Leader.” Both Ren and Hux address in unison.

Unlike your first encounter, Snoke is a much more condensed version of himself. You begin to wander how big he actually is in real life.

“Supreme Leader.” You mirror your superiors.

“How are your powers progressing, girl?” The hologram inquires.

“Commander Ren is training me well. I feel I am more in tune with the force - its capabilities and potential.”

_ ‘The force isn’t the only thing you’ve become in tune with.’  _ Ren unexpectedly projects these thoughts to you, which has you choking on your next sentence.

Passing it off as a means of clearing your throat, you conclude your update. Deciding to humour the knight, you chance a look in his direction. Kylo still has mask on and his visor is trained at the hologram but you know underneath his helmet he is staring right back at you.

_ You really want to play this game?  _ You allow a small smile to grace your lips, which - from Hux and Snoke’s perspective - you would have looked like you were commending your master for his efforts in training you. 

Supreme Leader addresses Ren and in turn the Commander provides him with the outline of your training regime and your progress thus far. You soon find yourself zoning out as Kylo goes over your sparring techniques and something about cloaking yourself with the force. Your mind wanders to the night prior, to images of yourself and the knight rolling around naked under his silk sheets, legs tangled and backs arching as he thrust into you over and over again; and you decide to continue on with his little game of distraction. 

_ Nghhh… Kylo.  _ You mentally moan, projecting your thoughts to the force-sensitive man.

Ren abruptly stops speaking mid-sentence as he loses his train of thought.

“Is something the matter?” Supreme Leader asks, an air of irritation to his tone.

_ Please Kylo.  _ You beg,  _ I want it so bad. _

Ren mutters an apology and clears his throat before continuing with his report, his composure as normal as ever. You aren’t ready to give up just yet, and instead of telepathically communicating with him, you decide to try the next best thing and paint him a mental image.

_ Clad in dainty white lingerie, you stalk towards the naked and vulnerable man lying in the centre of the mattress. Kylo’s hands are bound above his head, and it takes almost all of your concentration to keep them there by the force as he writhes and pulls against the invisible restraints.  _

_ 'Hush,’ you coo. _

_ The moment your knees make contact with the bed you lower yourself onto all fours and begin your ascension up the knight’s body. Your fingertips graze the soles of his feet before dragging up his calves. You dig them in deeper when you make contact with his thigh, leaving angry red lines in your wake. Kylo hisses at the contact, his throbbing cock pulsing in anticipation. You lick your lips, eyeing the bead of precum that has leaked out from his tip. _

_ ‘Come on, apprentice.’  _ This does not come from your own mind but from Ren’s projections across the meeting room table. He simultaneously continues conversing with Snoke. At least you know for sure your thoughts are getting through to him.  _ ‘You and I both know how much you want it.’ _

_ You look up at him from between your lashes. His expression is needy, speckles of sweat forming along his brow bone and cupids bow.  _

_ ‘Oh I think you’re more desperate than I am, master.’ You patronise the knight.  _

_ You continue crawling up his body, making sure you deprive his aching cock of any stimulation and sit yourself atop his torso, just above his bellybutton and his leaking member. _

_ ‘If you’re good and make me cum, I’ll consider touching your cock.’ You grind your hips down against Kylo to emphasise your words, your wet panties rubbing against his skin. _

_ ‘Release your hold on me and we’ll see how many times I can make you cum.’  _

_ You shake your head at his demand. ‘Oh no, Kylo, you only get to use your mouth.’ _

_ At that you shuffle further up his body until your clothed cunt hovers above his face. Ren’s breath comes out in hot pants against your sex, and your pussy walls to clench around themselves. You bring two fingers down to rub at your clit while your other hand pinches your stiff nipples through your lace bra.  _

_ ‘That’s my job, apprentice.’ The knight growls from below you.  _

_ You continue your ministrations, quiet moans leaving your body at your own teasing. You know exactly what you want from the man underneath you, but his stubborn pride is too unwilling to grant it to you.  _

_ ‘I won’t beg.’  _ Ren’s thoughts confirm your suspicion.

You look at him from across the table and his passive expression does not falter once. 

_ You elicit a moan, rubbing faster on your sensitive nub, your hips rocking down to grind against your fingers. ‘I can always just get myself off, you know? And you can just lie back and watch.’ _

_ The hand you are using to grope your tits is brought down and used to move your panties to the side. You’re glistening with your own arousal and Ren’s eyes are fixated on the juices smeared across your cunt. You slowly insert a finger and your slick walls allow for the easy intrusion. Your walls are soft and wet and hot around your digit and you project these thoughts to the knight lying underneath you.  _

_ ‘Fuck,’ Ren mutters under his breath. The hot puff of air against your entrance only makes you wetter. He gently rutts his hips up into the air as he imagines his cock in your hand's place. The knight scrunches up his eyes before whispering the next word: ‘please.’ _

_ A smirk graces your lips and you decide to finally end his torture - you won’t admit it but you’re just as needy as he is. You remove your fingers from your sex, one hand holding your panties to the side as you lower yourself onto the knight’s awaiting mouth. Your thighs quiver at the contact, Kylo’s hot wet tongue feeling immensely better than your own fingers. You fist your hands in his raven locks, pulling his face impossibly closer to your dripping cunt. Kylo grunts at your roughness, the vibrations making you moan out in turn. The knight plunges his tongue into your hole, feeling your walls grip around his nimble muscle. The tip of his nose prods at your clit as he tongue-fucks you, the stimulation completely overwhelming your senses. _

_ ‘Kylo, Kylo.’ His name comes out as a chant. _

_ The knight knows exactly what you need as his tongue swipes up from your entrance to your clit. He expertly maneuvers the muscle to spell out a word against your bundle of nerves. _

_ K Y L O R E N _

_ The veins in Ren’s neck strain against his skin as he lifts his head off the pillows to reach even deeper into your pussy. He continues spelling his name against your sex, obscene slurping sounds leaving his lips, until your thighs are shaking and you’re teetering on the edge of your climax. _

_ ‘Cum for me,’ Kylo roughly demands from between your legs.  _

_ You scream out in pleasure as your orgasm washes over you, your fists tightening in Ren’s hair to keep him in place - not that there’s anywhere else he'd rather be. You eventually remove yourself from the knight before you suffocate him and sit back down on his chest. Both of your breaths come out in rapid pants as your heart rate steadies itself.  _

_ ‘Good boy.’ You praise him.  _

_ Your fingers run along his shoulders and clavicle in a soothing motion. Kylo smirks up at you, that shit-eating grin plastered across his face at the pride he has for making you cum. _

Ren concludes his report to Snoke without a single hiccup, to your dismay. You can’t hide your disappointment at being unable to sidetrack the man.

“I still do not understand why I have to be present during this whole appraisal.” Hux interjects.

You look over at the ginger. His default look of annoyance is directed towards you. His features perfectly symmetrical and icy eyes boring into yours. Not a single strand of hair falls out of place and his sideburns are shaven to perfectly frame his face. The General’s fingers twitch in front of you as they are clasped together on the table. You can’t help but notice how slim and long they look… and the way they would  _ feel.  _ In any other situation, you might have found the man attractive; and the thought sparks an idea within you.

_ What would the General would look like tied up and at your mercy? His pale skin rising to goosebumps under your touch, his pink cock begging for your attention.  _

You project these thoughts to Kylo, and the squeaking of his gloves as they clench into fists lets you know he is attentively listening. You are about to continue your torture but something Supreme Leader says has your own body tensing in your seat. 

“It has been brought to my attention that you do not believe the girl’s intentions are as forthcoming as you believe.” 

Hux nods and you don’t have to feign your emotions of confusion and frustration at the General. You know Ren is still gauging your thoughts, interpreting your reaction to this news.

“I will allow you to conduct your own methods of training, General, in conjunction with the Commander Ren's.” As Snoke announces this, you can practically feel the seams of Kylo’s gloves ripping apart from the strain he is putting on them.

The hologram then turns to you, “are you prepared for the added responsibility?”

“If it proves my loyalty to the First Order.” You answer with conviction.

“Supreme Leader," Hux practically sneers. "As the General of this vessel I have more pressing duties to dedicate my time to than waste it on teaching Resistance  _ scum _ the ways of the enemy.” 

_ There goes that name again. _

You react. You have to react. It’s the only reasonable thing a person would do if they were being accused of fighting for the wrong side. 

“This is the  _ final  _ time I am being labelled Resistance scum, General! I am not with the Resistance and I am certainly-”  You are cut off as the hologram booms, the sound echoing around the four walls of the conference room.

“Sit down, girl!” Supreme Leader practically yells at you, his accusing finger pointed towards you. 

You do not realise you had even stood up in your fit of anger. Snoke then turns to the General who clearly looks as taken aback by the outburst as you are. 

“I can relieve you of your duties,  _ General _ , if that provides you with more time to train the girl.” Snoke lowers his voice, and the threat behind his tone is obvious to everyone in the room.

-

Hux’s first command as your newly appointed co-master is to fly Ren to the Starkiller base where his presence is requested. Of course, the General wants to you get out of the way. 

_ You will need to know how to pilot your own shuttle if you are to become a knight of Ren, _ was his reasoning to Supreme Leader. Or, as Hux had sneered at you after the three of you had left the conference room,  _ if you are to have any chance of being able to escape the First Order _ .

The mission would commence after lunch, giving you enough time to wash up and satiate your growling stomach. 

Ren is nowhere to be seen when you reach the hangar. You board the command shuttle yourself and make yourself comfortable in the pilot’s seat. Your fingers run across the controls and switches ahead of you, beside you, above you. It almost feels like home.

“You aren’t planning to escape, are you?” The modulated voice asks you as he ascends the ship.

“Not using the command shuttle.” You… half-joke.

Kylo buckles himself in the co-pilot’s seat beside you and you just watch him, waiting for his orders. The knight's mask turns to face you and you can practically feel the man raising his eyebrow. “It would be preferable we reach our destination before dinner, apprentice.”

You nod your head.  _ Right. You’re the pilot of this ship. _

“For now,” Kylo chuckles, responding to your thoughts.

You draw up the ramp, press a few buttons and flick some switches before pulling the lever in the middle of the console. The shuttle shakily lifts up off the ground, slightly tilting to the left before you immediately centre it again. Ren’s body shifts with every motion of the shuttle and you try your best to repress a giggle.  _ Okay, maybe you’re a little out of practice. _

You safely navigate the ship out of the dock before propelling the vessel into lightspeed. Only then does Kylo deem is appropriate to talk to you, albeit through the force.

_ ‘You think that little stunt you pulled during the conclave was funny?’ _

You roll your eyes at the knight but you do nothing to conceal your smirk. So it worked - you managed to get under his skin.

_ ‘I do not let insubordination go unpunished, apprentice.’ _

You are naive to believe that’s the extent of Kylo’s wrath but your guard slightly lowers after moments pass and he doesn’t try anything else. You adjust your feet in the seat, your fingers flexing around the yoke.

“Restless already?” Your co-pilot teases.

“No-”

Before you can finish your sentence, a light pressure brushes against your clit and you gasp at the contact. You clench your teeth together and tighten your grip around the control wheel.

“Kylo…” His name comes out as a warning.

The knight hums in acknowledgement, the vocoder distorting the sound. Otherwise his head remains forward, acting as if he has done nothing wrong.  A few moment pass before the pressure returns to your clit, this time pressing harder and drawing tight circles. You cross your legs over each other in an attempt to nullify the sensation.

“Kylo, this kind of  _ punishment _ could get us both hurt.” You tell him through gritted teeth. “If it hasn’t come to your attention, I’m piloting a ship.”

He finally turns his helmet in your direction, the movement against your nub never ceasing. “Oh, this isn’t your punishment, apprentice - this is a part of your training.”

You scoff but it contorts into a stifled moan when Ren slides a force-conjured finger against your slit.

“What exactly is this training lesson supposed to test me on?”

“Concentration.” 

Kylo then unbuckles his seatbelt and takes the few steps that close the distance between the two of you. He kneels between your legs, his looming figure taking up most of the space between your seat and the yoke. You try to press your thighs together but the knight uses the force to hold your knees apart. His gloved fingers glide up the expanse of your thighs, slightly squeezing the covered flesh every now and then. Your heart rate quickens as the thought of what Ren is about to do registers with your body. Your eyes remain ahead of you, your mind concentrating on the task you have at hand rather than the exploring hands on your lower anatomy. Kylo removes his hands from you and you breathe out a sigh of relief.

_ Maybe he finally realises how kriffing dangerous this is.  _ Still, the knight does not move from his position between your legs, his hands soon returning to their previous spot on your thighs, sans leather gloves. You chance a look down and also note that he has rid himself of his helmet.  _ Fuck, this is only going to get worse. _

Kylo chuckles at thoughts. “You couldn’t be anymore correct, apprentice.”

His thumbs trace the material of your pants up to where it creases at your thighs. His digits are dangerously close to your heated core and your concentration falters for a split second.

“Eyes ahead, apprentice.” Ren scolds.

His index fingers hook in the waistband of both your trousers and panties, and you find yourself lifting your hips on your own accord to allow the knight to pull the items of clothing down your legs.

He praises you with a kiss to your exposed knee. “Good girl.”

You involuntarily shudder at his words, hairs rising on the surface of your skin.

Ren squeezes your hips, “come closer.”

You obey, shuffling until your ass is on the edge of the pilot’s seat. Your mind is screaming at you to pull away and focus on your mission ahead, but Kylo’s warm breath against your moist cunt has your body going into overdrive. He plants a kiss on your clit before looking up to see if your concentration has wavered. The knight teasingly hooks each of your legs over his shoulders and you subconsciously dig your heels into his lower back to draw his mouth closer to your pussy. Ren places open mouthed kisses to your slit, the sloppy and crude slurping sounds making you lift your pelvis in silent demand for more. His hands move further behind you to grope the flesh of your ass. 

A hard smack on your left cheek catches you by surprise and you yelp at the contact. You take another glance down at Kylo and his mass of raven hair is just begging to be touched and pulled and threaded between your fingers. You decide to  _ fuck it _ before setting the command shuttle to autopilot and fisting your hands through his curls. The knight grunts in disapproval but his tongue is too deep inside your sex and he's too far gone to completely halt his actions. 

One of Ren’s hands leaves your hip in favour of adjusting his throbbing cock in his pants. You moan at the sight, wanting him to take you right then and there. You’re earnestly rocking your cunt against Kylo’s face, your juices dripping down his chin and onto the seat. Your moans drown out the obscene sounds leaving Ren’s mouth and you continue watching as he strokes his cock through the material of his clothing. 

Your body is on the verge of euphoria when a sudden alarm echoes throughout the vessel. The knight withdraws his mouth from your sopping cunt, and uses the force to sense the disturbance.

Both of your eyes connect as you announce in unison, "asteroid field."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i *finally* watched rogue one yesterday and IT TORE MY HEART OUT. i walked into the theatre a happy person nonetheless wiser and came out a bluberring mess. Can we just talk about how everyone deserved so much better,,, especially bebe bodhi rock.


	13. Traitor.

You successfully land the command shuttle with only a few minor scratches and dents. Ren was like a leech on your backside the whole time, pointing out what you did wrong and what you could have done better.

 _It’s not like you had ever piloted through an asteroid field before!_ It wasn’t necessary to project your thoughts to the knight - your facial expressions made your irritation quite clear. Not to mention, Kylo’s nagging had most definitely turned you off.

The shuttle transporting General Hux, Captain Phasma and a handful of stormtroopers make it to the Starkiller base long before yourself and the Commander arrive.

“I take it you let your apprentice pilot?” The ginger’s displeasure at having being made to wait is evident as he addresses Ren.

The knight grunts in response and you’re not surprised he doesn’t come to your defense.

“I didn’t do too bad of a job, General.” You balkingly interject.

All four heads simultaneously turn to the beaten and battered command shuttle at your objection. Compared to Hux’s pristine and flawless vessel beside it, you did indeed do quite a bad job of piloting.

“It looks like you flew through a bantha’s digestive system.” Captain Phasma muses, and you’re momentarily taken aback by the humorous tone behind her words.

Everyone’s attention immediately averts to the notification that flashes on the screen of the General’s holopad. His eyes scan the message before catching your gaze.

“It appears your assessment is ready.” The twitch in the corner of Hux’s lips lets you know of the cynicism behind his words.

You subtly gulp down the lump that forms in your throat at his words and obediently follow your three superiors as they exit the hangar. To say you’re nervous is a severe understatement. Your premonitions about having to kill one of your allies resurfaces in your mind and you have to suppress the thought in case Ren is in your head. You try to detach yourself from the situation; void yourself of all emotion. _Maybe if you’re not actually in the moment, it won’t impact you as much._ You decide against the idea. Only a coward would do that.

Phasma shortly departs from the group to inspect her stormtroopers, and Ren leaves not long after to enter his own quarters. As you descend the levels of the base, you quickly realise Hux is leading you to the prisoner ward of Starkiller. The tension is palpable and he finally speaks up as soon as the two of you stop ahead of an occupied cell.

“Ren’s judgement may be clouded with lust but rest assured I am not so easily seduced.”

Your timidness must be evident if the shit-eating grin on Hux’s face is any indication. You cock your head to the side and manage a small smile. _Confidence._ _Intimidation._

“Is that a challenge, General?”

The man clearly does not expect the response you provide him with, and quite frankly, neither do you. The ginger quirks his eyebrow in amusement.

“You are different from any other Resistance member I have come across.” He remarks.

“Maybe that’s because I’m not-”

“A Resistance member.” Hux finishes for you. In any other circumstance, the two of you could be considered best friends since he is always finishing your sentences for you. “Save it for the gullible.”

“You’re never going to believe me, are you? Even if I do pass this _test_ of yours, you are still going to believe me an enemy.” Your calm facade is slowly being dissolved by your frustration.

“Perceptive. It is a shame I cannot say the same about your Resistance companion.” Hux inclines his head to the cell door. “I want you to extract some information from them. Tell us where the Resistance base is and you pass your assessment.”

Your posture imperceptibly relaxes at his instructions. _This isn’t so bad. At least you aren’t being forced to kill someone._ You inhale deeply before a stormtrooper unlocks the door and allows you to enter. Your boots echo in the tiny white-tiled room and the prisoner startles awake in your presence. You round the bench they are strapped to and finally come into view of the heavily beat up man. He can’t have been older than twenty-one. Bruises are scattered across his cheek and pus oozes from his swollen left eye. You will yourself to remain passive, nonetheless. Any sympathy you have for the man is internalised in case Hux is watching you from the security camera mounted to the far corner on the wall.

“You are a Resistance member - an enemy of the First Order.” Your voice comes out more meager than you hope.

The prisoner brings his eyes up to meet yours and his brows immediately furrow in confusion. You know that look; it’s the same look Kylo had given you were lying on the interrogation bench. The Resistance member knows you, and your fears are only further confirmed when he utters your name.

“Is it really you?” His question epitomises his disbelief and his voice cracks as he repeats your name. A long moment of silence passes as the two of you just stare at each other. The man finally speaks up, breaking your hypnotised state. “We all thought you were dead.”

That’s when it hits you. Bastian. That’s his name. He’s one of your comrades. He’s the man in your memory of Jakku - the one you had thrown your show at.

At this point you know you’re being watched; whether it is by Hux from the security footage on his holopad or by Ren sitting unobtrusively in the back of your mind. “You left me for dead.”

You conjure emotions of betrayal and hatred. _Bastian had left you for dead. Your friends had left you for dead. The Resistance had left you for dead._ You repeat mantra in your head until you believe it.

Bastian fervently shakes his head. “That’s not true. You know that’s not true.”

“Where were you then, Bastian? Where were you hiding and cowering the whole time I was being tortured?”

His soulful eyes are swimming in the guilt that overwhelms him; his features contort in regret. “I was- we were looking for you. The whole time we were on…”

Realisation glosses over Bastian’s eyes as something finally clicks in his mind. His head whips towards the security camera - his attention flickering between you and the device mounted to the wall. The man’s jaw twitches as he clenches his teeth together, and you watch, helplessly, as Bastian’s sympathy for you morphs into disgust.

“Did the enemy torture you so badly that you now serve them?” The slight sneer he gives you shows off his blood-stained teeth.

You frown at Bastian; not because he had called you out on your little act to extract the location of the Resistance, but because he truly believes you fight for the First Order. A hesitant step is taken closer to the prisoner and you soon find yourself toe-to-toe with the metal bench. Bastian inclines his head in a show of confidence and his nostrils flare with every exhale of breath. You’re so close that the warm air leaving his body fans across the flesh of your neck.

“The Resistance will not be intimidated.”

_You had heard that somewhere before. Maybe you had once repeated the same phrase._

“Do not make this any more difficult than it has to be, Bastian.” You warn, albeit there is a slight pleading undertone in your voice. “Where is the Resistance base?”

“The Resistance will not be intimidated.” Bastian rehearses the words aloud as well as within his mind.

“Time is of the essence, apprentice.” General Hux announces from the other side of the cell door. “If the… rebel will not yield, then you will have to make him.”

A glob of spit leaves Bastian’s mouth and is aimed in the General’s direction but lands depressingly on the cold tiled-floor of the cell. The prisoner momentarily stops chanting his mantra and you take the distraction to delve in his mind. Your gloved hand hovers beside Bastian’s bruised face and your eyes flutter closed as you relive each of his recent memories. Your face contorts in agony as the Resistance member is beaten and tortured by stormtroopers… and Kylo. Bastian’s hatred towards the First Order consumes you, and the betrayal and hurt he experiences physically pains you. However, you’re soon flying. You feel Bastian’s joy and freedom as he pilots his shuttle - zooming through space and racing his comrades. Racing you. His smile is so wide it’s plastered across his face.

These memories - the ones that contain you are what has your heart pummeling in your chest. You watch as the two of you climb sand dunes in Jakku; as you throw your sand-ridden shoe at his face. You relive your fits of laughter together and even your moments of sorrow. It’s worryingly vivid - the flashback of you crying on Bastian’s shoulder. You’re sobbing so hard it becomes difficult to breathe. What’s even scarier is that the source of your pain is... Ben. You push further into Bastian’s mind, determined to get as far away from that memory as possible, whilst simultaneously knocking down each and every mental barrier in your path. You can hear the man scream out in agony, but your task at hand devours you.

 _Let me in, Bastian._ You repeat these words in his mind as menacingly as possible. You are everywhere. You’re in every crevice of his mind that not one of his secret are safe.

_Tell me where the Resistance are._

Then you see it. A hidden fortress amongst greenery and mountains. You withdraw from Bastian’s mind, leaving him panting and quietly whimpering against the bench. You flee from the room so fast that you miss the trickle of blood that flows down his nose and into his cut lip; the tears that escape the corners of his scrunched up eyes; the fluids mingling with the dirt on his cheeks.

You stand ahead of the General and he spares you a second of his attention. Staring into the cold eyes of your superior, you utter out a single word that goes against every fibre of your being.

“D’Qar.”

Hux gives you a single dismissive nod and you do not need to be told twice to leave the prisoner’s ward. Bastian’s shouting and screaming of incoherent sentences mixed with your name soon becomes dissolves into a migraine in the back of your mind as you walk further and further away from your guilt. You are disorientated as you wander aimlessly around the halls of Starkiller. Your hands skim along the walls as you attempt to steady yourself, and as soon as you exhibit the slight show of weakness, a ‘trooper materialises by your side. Their detestable uniform is the last thing you want to see, but the harder you try to pry away from them, the tighter their grip becomes on your upper arm. Your name is repeated over and over again as the stormtrooper tries to calm you down. That’s when you figure out who exactly is behind the mask.

You cease struggling. “FN?”

The man removes his helmet and a sigh of relief escapes your lips at the sight of FN’s familiar face. Guilt immediately riddles your body. You had just betrayed your own people.

“Are you okay?” FN brings a finger up to your nose, wiping the blood that had trickled down. _Your assessment had really taken a toll on you._

The dam within you finally breaks and you allow all of your pent up emotions to flood out. Your body crumples in FN’s embrace and uncertain fingers grasp tightly onto the hard surface of his uniform. “I-I did something horrible.”

FN hushes you, holding you close against his armoured body. You have the feeling he already knows of your betrayal. The whole ship had probably heard Bastian’s screams of bloody murder. The ‘trooper continues to support your weak body, gently leading you to an empty living space where you decide you will be spending the night. FN sits with beside you in comfortable silence for what feels like hours. Your breathing eventually returns to normal and your hands stop shaking until Kylo Ren enters the room. He stands in the doorway, watching the two of you.

“Back to your duties, FN-2187.” The knight dismisses.

The stormtrooper hesitantly stands up, but still mutters a “yes, sir” and retreats from the room.

You stand up as well and your fingers delicately run across your cheek, pleased to discover your tears have dried up. Your downcast eyes slowly rise until they meet the emotionless helmet. You despise the man behind it.

“You have been crying,” Ren’s modulated voice comments.

“Get out.” You manage grit through your teeth.

“You did well today. I am… pleased.”

“Get out.” You’re unable to mask your anger now. Using the force, you harshly open the blaster door to the room - an impolite and obvious indication for the knight to leave.

“You have proven your worth to the First Order." His gloved fingers reach up to remove his helmet. A sentimental gesture, maybe. Or maybe he senses your anger and is trying to diffuse the situation. "You know the prisoner yet you remain loyal to us.” 

Red rings through your eardrums that you completely zone out to what he says. Any words that leave Kylo’s mouth is lost in the space between you - you can see his mouth moving but no sound makes it to your ears.

“Did you already know the location of the Resistance base?” Your voice is barely above a whisper, your fury simmering just below the surface of your skin.

“Yes.”

The single syllable completely sets you off. You had just betrayed your values and morals for an enemy that seeks to destroy everything you fight for, and Kylo has the audacity to rub it in your face. Either one of you needs to leave the room or you will do something you’ll regret.

“I’m not going to say it again.” Your fists tremble at your sides. “Get out, you _coward._ ”  
You feel a sharp pain in your head as the migraine returns, although you have an inkling the cause is a different one this time. The knight storms out of the room, leaving a tornado of black capes in his path. Kylo activates his lightsaber - you’ve heard the sound too many times not to be familiar with it by now - and you’re sure of what is to follow. The slashing of walls and consoles and sparks emitted from the destruction is all that can be heard for the next few hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! it's been a while, huh? but guess what IVE JSUT BEEN ACCEPTED INTO UNIVERSITY AY! and that's what kinda gave me the motivation to write this chapter (and a few others). if you're still here, thank you. and if you're a new reader, welcome!


	14. No one to save.

Sleep may have come easy if it weren’t for Kylo’s seemingly ceaseless lightsaber rampage. You’re sure he’s in another wing of the base by now but you can still hear the clash of debris and the scurry of stormtroopers and officers alike as they attempt to create distance between themselves and the raging knight.

_How dare he be the one throw a temper tantrum when you’re the one who has just been put through hell? Who does he think he is that he can just start creating destruction as soon as something doesn’t go his way?_

These are the thoughts that circulate your mind as you storm out of the room and down multiple corridors, your boots clomping heavily against the steel ground. The halls are empty, save for the few ‘troopers that are sprinting in the opposite direction of you. It doesn’t take you long to catch up to the Commander; _how did he even gain such a ranking if he’s so irresponsible?_ You follow the path of wreckage - slashes from Ren’s saber singing the walls and broken droids littering the ground - and you soon find yourself at the door of the observatory. Your eyes scan over the room, at the damaged consoles and soot-covered seats. Kylo senses your presence long before your arrival but only when you are at the door does he halt his actions. The dangerous weapon is suspended mid-air and you’re well aware you may have just saved the technicians another console to fix. Your optimism is short lived, however, because as soon as you step into the room, the knight continues scorching the metal to an unrecognisable state. The sight should frighten you, Kylo’s hulking figure slashing through railings and control panels as if they are butter, but you’re too angry with him to allow any other emotion to take occupancy in your mind. Ren senses it, too; and the fact that you’re not frightened almost impresses him… comforts him. After all, being feared is only beneficial if it is by the right people.

“Kylo!” You yell over the mess. He ignores you, opting to continue on with his temper tantrum. You sigh in exasperation, in frustration, in _heartache_ . You’re tired, you’re _so_ tired; and the dam you thought you had already cried out is quickly filling back up with misery and unwept tears.

 _You should have stayed in that damn room._ You know you need to bite your tongue but you have _so_ much to say. _Kylo is going to find out sooner or later_ , you try to console yourself, _so better now if it stops his rampage, right?_ This is not how you wanted everything to go, but the words leave your mouth before your brain can convince you otherwise.

“You promised me forever!” The knight completely stops in his tracks, his body visibly tensing at your words. Your eyes are clamped shut and your voice comes out as a meagre sound. “Remember?”

It feels like an eternity before Kylo finally turns around to face you, and although his helmet is focused on the glow of his red lightsaber now pointed at the ground, you know all of his attention is directed to you.

“What did you just say?” The knight’s voice is as quiet as you have ever heard it, but his question still resonates clearly in your ears. The whole vessel is silent and it suddenly feels like you are the only two people in the galaxy. A humourless chuckle leaves your lips.

“Do you really think I’m that oblivious? I know it’s you. My visions, my memories, all the weird things you say - I just had to piece everything together.

Ren’s breathing is heavy, his shoulders lugging with every exhale. “How long have you known?”

You’re suddenly nervous, so nervous that you realise you haven’t gone to the refresher ever since you landed the command shuttle. Kylo’s impatience is obvious, but his emotions are clouded with confusion and peaked interest.

“Ever since you recruited me.” As the last word leaves your lips, the knight deactivates his lightsaber and you take the initiative to walk closer to him.

You soon find yourself standing directly ahead of Kylo that if you reached your hand up in the slightest, you would be touching his outer robes. You do just that - your featherlight fingers hovering along the seams, up his abdomen, along his shoulder, before trailing down his arm. Kylo does not flinch when you reach for his lightsaber and even allows you to pry it from his fingers and clip it back onto his belt. Never once does your gaze falter from his helmet, and neither does your fingers as you wield the force to guide your eloquent hands. From your touch alone it seems both of your frustrations roll easily from your bodies, if only partly; and by the time your fingers make it to Ren’s helmet, you can feel his body visibly relax.

“Do you remember when you pinned me down and forced me to join the First Order?” You ask this as you gently remove Kylo’s mask to reveal his raven locks. He does not answer and you don’t expect him to. “I looked at you... really looked at you and it hit me. Who else has these distinctive beauty marks and dark eyes?”

Setting the helmet down on the ruined consoles, your hands continue their wander along the knight’s neck and jaw; your thumbs running across his moles to emphasise your words. Ren can’t believe it. You had known all along who he was and had somehow withheld this information from you. He unconsciously projects these thoughts your way, and as if to dispute these doubts, you gently press your lips to his.

Kylo had somehow expected this and responds immediately, pushing back against your kiss but pulling you closer into his embrace at the same time. You tug at the roots of his hair, and the growl that emits deep within his throat vibrates against your lips. Ren sucks harshly on your bottom lip and is unwilling to let go until you dig your nails into the nape of his neck. Both of your anger and frustration has somehow morphed into passion, and even though though this may not be the most effective way to address the situation, you quickly realise it is the best way to release your vexation.

With each kiss you can _feel_ the source of Kylo’s rage. He’s angry about your dinner with DP, jealous that you sought out comfort in FN rather than the knight himself. He grabs you by the hips and pins you against the window of the observatory, knocking over his helmet in the process. You can feel the iciness of the window to your core, even through your multiple layers of clothing. Harshly tugging at Ren’s collar, you pull his chest impossibly close to yours. The man reciprocates the action with the belt loops of your pants, thrusting your hips flush against his.

“Oh… fuck!” You pleasure is drawn out as you begin to feel the hard line of his cock rub against the zipper of your pants.

You tackle the material at his neck, pulling it down so your lips can mark his pale skin. Sucking directly beside his adam’s apple, you make sure you leave a dark hickey in your wake. Your teeth roughly nip at his skin before biting down on the muscle connecting his neck and shoulders. Kylo grunts at your show of dominance, determined to take control of the situation but continuing to rut his hips against yours all the same. You alternate between licking and biting until you draw blood to the surface of his pristine skin. You want Kylo to know exactly how mad you are and just how vicious you can get.

“Ah!” Kylo howls in protest and he places a finger to his wound as soon as you withdraw your lips from his neck.

Ren looks ravenously at your blood-stained mouth and forces his lips back onto yours. The knight abruptly spins you around so that you are facing the darkness of the icy landscap. It's barely twilight yet stars already cloud your vision, both figuratively and literally. All you can seem to focus on is the reflection of your body pressed up against the Kylo’s front. He pulls your ass up against his cock and rotates your hips in small motions, the sight sending arousal straight to your core.

“Look at you, apprentice.” Kylo knows your eyes are glued to your molded figures.

You fingers move under your pants to rub at your clit, your head lolling back against his shoulder. The knight growls before descending lower and shoving said pants down to your ankles. The man is kneeling behind you now and he nips the flesh at your buttox, payback for what you had done to his neck earlier. You continue rubbing at your sensitive nub as Kylo runs a single gloved finger against your uncovered slit, drawing the digit back to find it coated in your wetness.

“I’m going to taste this beautiful pussy again,” Ren growls. He stands back up and your eyes connect with his through your reflection in the window. “But my cock can’t wait any longer to be inside you.”

You hear more than see Ren unbuckling his belt from behind you and your cunt becomes even more soaked from the anticipation alone. His hand at your hip trails further up your body to your stomach and then the underside of your breasts. Kylo firmly gropes one of them through the material of your clothing whilst positioning the head of his cock at your entrance. You are focused on him as he is focused on the way you ass cheeks swallow his length. Precum smears your flesh and the warm fluid quickly dries on your skin.

“I’m not going to beg this time.” Your resolve is strong and the knight senses it. He doesn’t think he can wait any longer to sink his aching cock into your slick heat, anyway.

“Oh I don’t want to hear you beg, apprentice.” At that he completely sheathes himself inside of you, and your walls immediately tighten around him. “I want to hear you scream.”

Kylo’s pace is relentless as he pounds into you over and over again. Curses spill from your lips as you push your hips back into his, trying to meet each and every one of his thrusts. Kylo’s hand leaves your breasts and fixates itself around your neck. You moan at the contact, the tightness of his grip making your cunt squeeze in approval.

Your fingers wrap around his wrist, never wanting Kylo’s hand to leave your neck. The whimpers that escape your lips vibrate against his palm and sends blood straight to his cock. Ren quickens his already brutal pace and you immediately feel yourself begin to teeter on the edge of your climax.

“Scream for me.” Kylo’s guttural voice reminds you.

He plants sloppy kisses against your neck, grunting and moaning into your ear. The sinful sounds alone alone almost have you cumming around his cock. The knight brings his other hand down to your neglected clit and begins rubbing in tight circles. Your hands reach up to fist in his unruly hair as you try to hold back your orgasm, not wanting the staff to hear you in your throes of passion. Ren assures you that everyone is still probably in another area of the base, desperate to not be the one at the butt of his wrath.

At Kylo’s assurance or his relentless fucking, you finally allow yourself to completely let go. You scream out the Commander’s name as you reach your peak, the walls of your cunt spasming around him.

“Fuck!” He drags out the syllable as he spills into you, not slowing down his thrusts in the least.

Ren draws out his own and your pleasure until you’re left whimpering from the overstimulation. His forehead rests against the crown of your head as he pulls his softening cock from you. Kylo peppers kisses down your spine and each of your legs until he reaches your pants pooled on the ground. He tugs them back up to your hips, giving your bum a playful slap in the process. You fasten your own belt as he fixes his uniform behind you.

“Stay with me tonight.” The statement almost comes out at a question, and you would be surprised if you were not still hazy.

“I’m still mad at you.”

“As I am you.”

“I’ll stay only if I get a good meal again.”

The knight nods whilst refastening his helmet. _‘As long as it’s not with DP.’_

You both make it back to Kylo’s quarters in time for lunch. You had retraced the path of his destruction backwards and asked multiple times if you should help clean up the mess. The knight had interpreted that as moving the debris out of your path, which only created a large pile of trash to the side of the hallways.

-

The droid that serves you places the trays of food on the table ahead of you. You remove the cloche to find pumpkin soup and a small loaf of bread. You practically inhale the food. Kylo watches you with a smirk on his face and the pair of you eat in comfortable silence until you finally build up the courage to ask the knight the question that has been gnawing at your conscience since your first encounter.

“Why did you reveal your face to me… when we first met?”

He doesn’t seem surprised by your inquiry and you wonder if he had been in your head. “I didn’t think you would be alive to tell anyone you had seen the face of Kylo Ren.”

“The face of Ben Solo,” you correct.

The words once again leave your lips before your mind has the time to process them. The knight’s body visibly stiffens at your words; and what happens in the next few instances occurs so fast it’s a blur: Kylo stands up from his seat, his metal chair scraping the ground in protest. His gloved hands reach for the underside of the table before it is flipped across the room. Your glass bowls shatter on impact and the orange soup splatters across the floor and walls. You seize in your seat, like a deer caught in the headlights. _If the prey doesn’t move, the predator won’t see it._ The knight disregards your presence, turning on his heels before storming out of the room, the blaster door slamming shut behind him.

You immediately snap out of your fright as soon as Kylo leaves and try to follow after him to apologise. Your efforts are in vain, however, as the door does not open for you. _Had he locked you in his quarters?_

You eat dinner alone that night, though you had an inkling you would when the droid entered with only a single tray of food. You don’t hear any chaos outside Ren’s quarters for the hours you are left alone, which slightly puts your mind at ease. Another droid enters to clean up the mess the knight had made, neither of them letting you leave his quarters.

Boredom gets the better of you so you sit in the middle of his bed and attempt to meditate. _Clear your mind. Slow your breathing._ But all that seems to do it give your destructive thoughts the space to roam freely. You shake yourself back to reality, opting to seek out some companionship that be left alone with your mind.

_Maybe FN would like to talk to you._

You mentally scope out for the ‘trooper on the base. You use the force to wander around the ship, searching for any sign FN’s energy. You locate him in the cafeteria with DP and the rest of their friends. You call out to him.

 _‘FN? FN, can you hear me?’_ Your brows furrow in concentration.

 _‘Uh… who’s this?’_ He replied! ‘ _Is this my conscience? Because I never would have pegged her for a woman.’_

You giggle aloud before honing back in on FN’s mind. ‘ _No it’s me. Your Resistance pal.’_

You can sense his immediate shock. ‘ _What the kriff! How are you doing this?’_

 _‘The force.’_ You respond. ‘ _Listen, I just wanted to update you. I know where the Resistance base is but Hux is onto me. I don’t have a plan of escape yet but that’s what I was hoping you could help me with.’_

You hear the faint sound of agreement but you aren’t certain as you withdraw from FN’s mind. An intense migraine seats itself firmly in the corners of your brain and you come to realise this whole Jedi/Knight of Ren thing is more taxing on you than you had initially thought. You unzip your jacket before climbing under the silk sheets, basking in the feeling of the material against your skin. This is plenty more softer than the duvet in your own room.

You are not sure when you doze off but a slight dip in the bed stirs you from your slumber. You know it’s Kylo - or Ben - from his energy signature alone. He places a bottle of pills on the nightstand, “birth control”, you hear him faintly tell you. Kylo’s torso is bare, only wearing a pair of sweatpants to bed. He climbs in beside you and you are hesitant when you shuffle closer and wrap your arms around his waist. You release a content sigh of relief when he drapes an arm around your shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper against his skin.

-

Something tickling against your thigh is what wakes you up next. It takes you a moment to register exactly where you are but as soon as you realise you’re in Kylo’s quarters, you allow yourself to sink back into the soft bedsheets. Said knight is not sleeping soundly by your side where you had expected him to be but rather under the covers trailing kisses along your abdomen and legs. You lift up the blanket to find a mop of hair between your thighs and Kylo inclines his head towards you before gently resting his chin atop your pelvis. _The bastard had taken both your pants and underwear off._

“I told you I was going to taste this delicious pussy again, didn’t I?” The mischievous smirk that forms on his lips and his brazen words has you blushing.

You push the sheets just past his shoulders until you can see Kylo’s raven locks. You softly run your hand through them, silently urging him to continue. He first nips at the inside of your thighs and then places a kiss over the bitten flesh. Ren moves up and you think he’s about to kiss the place you want him most until he averts his attention to your lower belly. It is not until you are squirming underneath the knight that he finally places his mouth to your heated cunt. Ren begins with featherlight kisses on your clit down to the opening of your pussy and then back up again. He uses the tip of his tongue to swipe at your nub, the tiny ministrations causing your breathing to become shallow. Kylo reaches both of his hands up and you intertwine your fingers as he laps at your cunt.

“You taste even better than I remember.” He groans against your sex.

Your head flops back onto the pillow and your hands squeeze even tighter into his. Kylo purposely makes audible slurping sounds as he sucks on your clit, making sure you can hear each gulp as he swallows down your juices. Ren’s tongue alternates between lapping at your clit and sticking his tongue as far as he can in your cunt. He _loves_ the feeling of your walls clenching around his muscle.

You lift your hips off the mattress in an attempt to get Kylo deeper in you, and you wrap your legs around his neck to let him know how close you are. And, _God,_ he can feel how close you are to cumming in his mouth. Ren picks up his pace, paying close attention to your clit until you’re pussy is clenching around nothing. Your thighs quiver and you moan out Kylo’s name euphoria overwhelms your body and your gushing in his mouth.

The bastard beams up at you from between your legs and your chest fills with adoration for the man. Kylo’s eyes turn a darker shade of brown as he predatorily crawls up your body, desperately seeking out your lips. He kisses you hard, allowing you to taste the remnants of your orgasm on your own tongue.

“You’re filthy.” Your lips brush up against his as you speak.

Ren growls in response. “I’ll show you filthy.”

At that he lifts you up off of the bed at discards your undershirt before peeling off his own items of clothing. It suddenly dawns on you - that this is the first time you have seen Kylo completely naked. His skin in unmarred, perfect. You trail your hands down his shoulders to his collarbones. His breath slightly hitches when your hands gently run down his pecs, your nails slightly grazing his nipples. You trace the faint lines of muscle across his torso and then the trail of hair that leads to his cock that stands to attention. Goosebumps are left in the wake of your fingers and, for once, Kylo Ren seems completely vulnerable to you.

You look at him, really look at him, and for the first time you believe the man you are seeing is Ben Solo. You look into his eyes and a part of them still holds the familiar warmth you remember. Your pupils stare at the plumpness of his lips that are slightly puffy from his previous activities. They are as plush and pigmented as you remember. Your irises wander to the beauty marks scattered across his face. You had once remembered the moles like they were the stars of your solar system.

“You’re beautiful.” You whisper against his lips. For the longest time you had forgotten what your lover’s body looked like, tasted like, felt like under your skin.

“Turn around,” his voice comes out in a soft demand. You can’t suppress the ache in your heart at his request; you want to be able to look into the eyes of your lover when you are sharing a moment so intimate. You still oblige, lying belly first on the silk sheets and propping yourself up on your elbows.

Ren orders the lights to completely turn off before he pushes into you. The stretch in your lower body is welcomed as it distracts you from the pang in your chest. Kylo lowers himself on top of you, one arm snaking under your stomach to press yourself even closer to him. His pace is slow and gentle, maybe even loving were it any other situation. You push back to meet each of his thrusts, the both of you savouring the moment.

You aren’t completely sure but you begin to feel one, two, three droplets of water hit your shoulders. _No, not water, tears._ Kylo kisses the places they had landed, hip lips supple and tender against your skin. The only source of light is the stars outside his window and they illuminate your faces and bodies and the way you mold into one another. Your fingers fist into the pillow underneath you and you allow a wanton mewl to escape your lips. Kylo squeezes your hips, pleased with the sounds that are coming from your chest.

“Please,” your voice is weak but he knows exactly what you want.

The hand supporting your stomach ventures lower to your sensitive clit. Kylo draws circles against your nub and your walls clench around his cock at the stimulation.

“Fuck.” The curse sounds hoarse as it leaves Ren’s mouth and his hips stutter at the tightening of your cunt. You bury your head against the pillow and your moan is muffled as your climax hits you all at once.

As you come down from your high you feel Kylo approaching his own orgasm and you can’t help but let yourself slip into his subconscious. The memories that flood your mind have your shivering from fear rather than pleasure. You are confronted with dead bodies - the bloodbath a result of the knight’s actions alone. You see them piled up on each other, men, women and children alike as their bodies are set alight. You see their ashes dumped on a table before Ren sits a disfigured mask atop them. You are there with the knight as he slices down padawans and the screams that echo through your ears is almost deafening.

“Kylo,” you whisper his name.

You both had been laying in a comfortable silence for what felt like hours. Your fingers are threaded through his hair and his face pressed between the valley of your breasts, not because you truly want to be close to him in that moment but as a means of keeping him from seeing the anguish behind your eyes. The knight hums in acknowledgement and you open your mouth to speak again but the he beats you to it.

“I am… sorry... for the way I reacted.” Kylo mumbles against your skin. Your brows shoot up in pure shock. _Is the Knight of Ren apologising? To you?_ “I cannot change my past nor my lineage, but you need to understand the boy I was before is gone.”

He lifts a single finger before tracing invisible patterns along your belly. “I killed him.”

 _So you keep reminding me._ You want to tell him, but this time you bite your tongue. You listen to his steady heartbeat, the conviction behind his voice, and for the first time since you have woken up from your memory loss, you believe him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> angst + smut = crying during sex


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